Sunday, December 26, 2010

If I had taken your last name I would have sounded like a tropical storm

Dear T,

Today I found the pictures of you I thought I had lost. As I looked down at them I smiled. I no longer hate you. Wow, it is so freeing to say those words. It took me many years to get over what you did. I still don't have any answers but I have no emotional attachment to your memory. I wish you well and I hope that you are thriving. I'm glad you were in my life. If I had never met you I would never have gone to Kansas. Silver lining ;)

Goodbye and good luck.

PS. I'm really sorry about throwing your ring in the river. I wish I had it to give back to you.


Friday, December 10, 2010

Be at peace

I'm struggling with some internal stuff right now. Some of these are old issues I've been struggling with for awhile.

*I'm struggling with feelings of jealousy. There are two people who I feel have done me wrong. They hurt me very badly and they haven't apologized. Yet they are the ones who are getting everything they want. They have what I want. I'm struggling to see why they get everything and I do not. I'm questioning if I am on the right path. Maybe their way is the right way? But their way is everything I have been warned against. I just don't understand.

*I am struggling to let go of my anger towards my old roommate. This is something I have been working on for awhile. Sometimes when I see her I feel such intense rage I can't even speak to her.

*I am struggling with missing someone. I don't allow myself to think of that person (it's not who you think). I'm not sure I'll ever see them again.

*Basically I am struggling with trusting God. I'm getting frustrated. I don't trust that I will be taken care of. I feel like I will never get where I want to go. I feel like everyone is passing me by. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot. I'm not progressing.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Better off as friends

I am very lucky to have parents who remain on good terms after they divorced. My mom was able to put aside her anger and grief over the reasons for the divorce and stay civil towards my dad. For that she is my hero. We have celebrated every holiday and birthday together as a family. There was never any consideration of split holidays.

Today driving back from visiting my sister for her birthday I realized how rare my situation is. My dad still is the one who drives whenever we go anywhere as a family even though we always take my mom's car. The simple fact that we still do things as a family is unusual. I remember that we took a trip to Washington DC together two months after my parents announced their divorce.

My parents are better off as friends. I'm glad they were married because, that is how I came to exist. One thing I know for sure is that they will always take care of each other. Maybe they will end up being two crazy old people living next door to each other at the nursing home.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Moving on

The best part of progress is looking back and seeing how far you've come.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I need a camera

Right now the only camera I have is the one on my iphone. I really want a camera but I don't know what kind to buy. I have no camera knowledge. Does anyone have a suggestion for a good camera that isn't too expensive. To me, too expensive is above $500. I only need a point and shoot. I would love to have a digital with lenses but that is out of my price range right now.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I may be going crazy

It is 1am and I am halfway done with my Constitutional Law briefs. I started at 9. That means it has taken me 4 hours to write half of the briefs I am supposed to have finished by 11am tomorrow. By that time table I should be finished writing at 5am. I have to be up by 8. Ohhhhhh boy. It's my own fault. I procrastinated so I could get other things done and still relax. Now I have no time to relax. When will I learn?

Updated: Got an A :)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A secret

I think a lot of people thought I would be far away doing "important things" at this time of my life. They're always surprised to hear how close I live to home. The reason I stay close is because of my grandma. She's 86, has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home. She loves having visitors. We don't have any family out here. It's just me, my mom, my sister, and my dad. Those are the only people who can visit with her. She has done so much for me. I can't move far away and leave her. I have a responsibility to take care of her and to help her. Nothing is more important than making sure the end of her life is the best that I can make it.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I've been doing really well.
(It's easy to be ok when everything is going smoothly.)
Then I hit a bump which jarred me.
I am shaken up and unsure.
I can't find my way.
And you're not here to help me.
I miss my friend.

I'm a little lost right now and it's a little scary. Before when this happened I had one person I wasn't scared to go to for help. One. I trusted him completely and I never was afraid he would judge me- sometimes I felt like he did judge me but I was never afraid to tell him anything. That is the key phrase. I wasn't afraid. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of wonderful and amazing friends but there is always something I hold back for fear of judgement. Maybe this is something I have to learn. Maybe I have to learn how to make myself ok. I just don't want to.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

My brain hurts

I psych myself out a lot. I over think and over analyze everything. I also have a problem with doubting my knowledge and "smarts." I feel like I can never know anything for sure because there is so much to know. For example, I am supposed to be writing a research paper about the causes of the India- Pakistan war of 1947. There are so many! And each of those causes has another smaller cause. Oh, and I also have a problem with procrastinating. This paper is due on Friday and I am just now getting to it. On Sunday. Now some may say 5 days is plenty of time to write a paper. Not for me! I am so overwhelmed with the amount of information I have to take into account. Not to mention the self doubting and the over analyzing. I feel like this is so huge and there is no way I can condense it down to 12-15 pages without blowing off a lot of information. Not to mention my lack of "smarts."

I loathe writing research papers.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I've been striking out in the dating game lately. The last guy who asked me out ended up in jail. A good friend of mine has done internet dating and it's worked out well for her. I'm thinking about signing up for Actually, I started filling out my profile. I just need to get up the courage to push the submit button. Has anyone else tried Internet dating?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Romeo and Juliet by Edwin Mccain

See love struck Romeo
hit the street on a serenade
and he’s laying everybody low
with a love song that he made
he finds a streetlight
steps out of the shade
says something like
"you and me baby how about it?"
Juliet’s gonna say
"hey it's Romeo
you nearly gimme a heart attack"
he's underneath my window she's singing
"hey la my boyfriend's back"
you shouldn't come around here
singing up to people like that
well anyway
what you gonna do about it?
when we made love you used to cry
you said you love me like
the stars above you’d love me till you died
Well there's a place
for us
and you know the movie song
when you gonna realize
it was just that the time was wrong?

we both came up on different streets
they both were streets of shame
both dirty
both mean
and the dream was just the same
and I dreamed your dream for you
and now your dream is real
how can you look at me as if
I was just another one of your deals?
Oh no you can fall for chains of silver
you can fall for chains of gold
you can fall for pretty strangers
and the promises they hold
you promised me everything you know
you promised me thick and thin
Now you say "oh Romeo
yeah I used to have a scene with him"
Oh Juliet
when we made love you used to cry
used to swear
like the stars above well you’d love me till the day that we died
Well there's a place
for us
you know the movie song
when you gonna realize
it was just that the time was wrong?

I can't do the talk
like they talk on TV
and I can't do a love song
like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything
but I'd do anything for you
Juliet all I can do
is be in love with you
And all I do is miss
you and the way we used to be
all I do is keep the beat
in this rock n roll company
all I do is kiss you
through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet I'd do the stars with you
any time

Oh Juliet
when we made love you used to cry
used to swear like
the stars above well you’d love me till the day that we died
there's a place
for us
you know the movie song
when you gonna realize
it was just that the time was wrong?

This song is just the right mixture of beautiful and bittersweet.

Monday, November 1, 2010

I will by the Beatles

Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Oh, you know, I will
I will.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

Sunday, October 24, 2010

There are 4 seasons

I've been reading Animal, Vegetable Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver for the second time. It is a true account of her familys experiment to eat only what they could produce or procure locally. The book is written over the course of a year. Woven in amongst the story are recipes, meal plans, and information about the food industry. Some of the tales of big business are shocking. This book is very enjoyable and informative. It made me want to run away to the country and live on a farm. I really do think I would enjoy living in the country. I hope the man I marry is up for the challenge.


Monday, October 4, 2010

New stuff

I am so happy. I moved into my own apartment which is close to school. I love the area. I live in a beautifully landscaped apartment complex. It's on the edge of town and there is so much beautiful nature all around me. It's very quiet here and I feel so safe. I haven't had any problems sleeping.

I love being in school. I love my classes. I'm so glad to be challenged intellectually again. I think I will take summer classes this year.

I have to drive a half an hour to and from work four times a day which might be not so great but it is such a beautiful drive and I get to listen to music the whole way. I love listening to music and driving. Especially when it is sunny. Ahhhh I hope this contented feeling lasts. I quite enjoy it.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

My last Thursday

I am overwhelmed with emotion today. I've been working as a childcare provider at a domestic violence outreach center for a year and a half. I watch children ages birth-12. Watching the children doesn't really describe what I do. I talk to them, get to know them, help them with homework, play with them, listen to their boy troubles, listen to their family troubles. I feel like they are all my little brothers and sisters. I enjoy them so much. Today was my last day there. I am so sad. They had a party for me. The parents gave me a card they had written expressing their appreciation for what I do. I will treasure that card forever.

When the kids left they all gave me hugs and told me they would miss me. Then we had a giant bear hug. They are all such amazing and resilient children. I know what they have been through and to see they still have so much love for people is amazing. Everyone keeps saying how much I've done for them but the truth is they've done so much more for me. They've taught me how to be patient when I'm exhausted. I am going to miss them so much. I can't imagine not seeing their faces every week. I hope they know how amazing they are and how much I love them.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I made cloth napkins today! I've sewn maybe 4 times in my life. I can sew by hand just fine but machines intimidate me. It made me feel really accomplished. I was so happy when I finished. My napkins are super awesome gold and green 70's colored. They are going to be fabulous with my pink plates :) Thank you to my great friend Lacy who taught me how to make them and let me use her machine. I can't believe I just discovered my love for sewing and now I'm moving away from her.

Speaking of moving away. Today is my last week at the center. I do childcare 2 days a week for a domestic violence support group. I've been there for a year and a half. I love these kids so much. It kills me to say goodbye to them. I can't imagine not seeing them every week and talking to them about their lives. They are such special people. I hope they know that.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Daily truth

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you, Anna, doesn't it? You don't even see it coming. Suddenly and without warning, you're surrounded by the best friends you've ever known. You're waking up in the mornings just "dying" to get into the day. There's a lightness in your step and a gleam in your eye. Your thinking is new, your laughter frequent, and you're drawn to tears whenever you hear happy tales. You're on a roll, so it's not like you're thinking about it, but if you were to think about it, you wouldn't know what's gotten into you, nor would you recall just when. You'd only shake your head whenever you thought of how quickly everything can change...

Just something to remember the next time you don't see something coming.

By the way, you row my oars -
The Universe


Saturday, September 18, 2010


I deleted my Facebook account today. It was just causing so much turmoil for me. We have too many friends in common. I'm not going to ask my friends to delete him or delete my friends. That wouldn't be fair. This is the way I know I'll never have to look at pictures of the two of them or see a comment he leaves on my friends status. Next up is moving all my pictures from Myspace to my computer and deleting my Myspace. I don't want the memories anymore.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

What do I want out of life?

I want to be challenged. I want to be pushed and stretched and made aware. I never want to stop growing. I want to learn as much as I can and experience as much as I can. I want to to see the world.

I want a love that will last through all eternity. I want to be loved for my flaws and quirks not in spite of them. I want to be a mother and a wife. I want a whole house full of kids. I want to be exhausted at the end of the day of homework, making dinner, finding lost toys and smile at my husband who is equally as tired as I. I want to watch my children grow into productive, hardworking, compassionate people.

I want to continue to live righteously and faithfully and return to my father in heaven.

Jump for joy

I am so happy. I feel so secure in my future. I know the good stuff is just around the bend. I have some of the most amazing friends in existence. Life is good.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The end

Glass by Gavin DeGraw

Fool you made the girl fall in love
you said those beautiful things
she thought you spoke things you mean

Caress her skin like it's glass
she hears your voice making plans
and sees your face in her hands

You don't wanna see somebody beg
as you feel her heart surrender
you begin to fall
How do you say that something's through
when it never even started
at least not for you

You breathe her air and you leave
you keep your mind on yourself
and lie the glass on the shelf
After the heavenly speech
your body throws holy heat
the angels sing when our eyes meet

It wasn't a lie but it wasn't true
I just wanted to make you feel good
just wanted you near
I wasn't prepared I wasn't thinking of you
that you could actually love me
it never should have started

She's dreaming back on the past
every opinion agreed
doesn't know what to believe

It must have been for a cause
our lives have so many doors
don't think about him anymore

But it was the kiss, it took me away
it's like he knew that I am fragile
he handled me like glass
and it hurts but it's what I deserve
because I should have been more careful
with the others that I handled
I should have been
I should have been
and knowing this I know
that he'll get his
but I don't want the man to suffer
oh not the way I am
because deep down I know that he's glass too
but it really doesn't matter
until it's happening to you
everybody breaks
everybody breaks

*This is the last wallowing post I'll be making on this blog. This song is just so beautiful. It's spot on for me.

Monday, August 30, 2010

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

I'm not sure how people can quit a job with no notice. I know I would feel guilty knowing I created an unnecessary hardship for my former coworkers.

I got a phone call from my work today. One of our staff of three up and quit 15 minutes before her shift. I went in to cover her shift on what was supposed to be my day off. Now we need to find another person. I've decided to look at this as a positive situation because if I don't I'll probably just be bitter. Now I'm going to be making more money! Woohoo!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

It's a good thing I have the internet. How else would I waste my time?

I figured out why I'm not sleeping. I wake up every morning with a sick feeling. I know something is missing and then I remember what it is. I have to talk myself up every morning. I have to convince myself to be happy. I have to coach myself to not feel heartsick. I don't sleep because I don't want to have to wake up and go through all of that. The last time this happened I had someone who would talk to me until I felt ok to sleep. Now I don't.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of writing about it. I'm so frustrated that someone can affect me this much. I just want to feel better. I'm doing a pretty good job but I have my moments. This is a moment.


I am a permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time –everything. If I love you, I will protect you from your own insecurity. I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you never actually cultivated in yourself. I will give you the sun and the moon and if they are not available I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more until I am so exhausted and depleted that the only way can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. –Eat, Pray, Love

I am a bit of a contradiction in that I have huge walls up for people I don't know well (which doesn't serve me well when I try to make new friends) and I am a permeable membrane when it comes to people who are important to me. Setting boundaries is something I am no good at when it comes to the people I love. I think that has been the downfall of my past relationships and it is something I need to work on. I tend to be a really giving person. I hate seeing people I love upset or hurt so I try everything in my power to take care of them. I don't want to cross over to the other extreme of not caring because I like that I care so much. I like helping people.

So, how do you set boundaries when all you want to do is give?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Counting sheep keeps me up

When you have to be at work by 5:30am insomnia is highly annoying. Yesterday I finally went to sleep at 4. You would think I would be exhausted and falling asleep on my feet. Yes I am, except when I start thinking about going to sleep. Right now I am lying in bed wide awake. I went through this 4 years ago after a very painful breakup. I didn't sleep properly for a year and a half. My friend used to talk to me for hours at a time every night for that entire time. He was the one who would lull me to sleep. Well, I don't have that option so lets make lists!

5 things that made me happy today

1. Going to church.
2. Taking a shower mid day
3. Feeling the warm sun.
4. Realizing the kids camp I am working at tomorrow doesn't start until 1pm.
5. A sweet friend who always greets me with a smile and hug.

Books that made a difference to me
1. Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block
2. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
3. The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman
4. A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
5. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
6. The scriptures by God :)

Movies I can watch over and over
1. Serendipity
2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
3. Little Women
4. The Notebook

The best songs ever (aka the ones I can remember right now)
1. Thinking over by Dana Glover
2. I'll be by Edwin McCain or The Goo-Goo Dolls
3. These are the Days by Sugarland
4. Happy Ending by Sugarland
5. Seabreeze by Tyrone Wells
6. Broken Glass by Annie Lennox
7. 32 flavors by Ani DiFranco
8. Criminal by Fiona Apple
9. Silent all these years by Tori Amos...actually the entire cd Little Earthquakes

2 things I wish I could change
1. Feelings
2. My need to control everything

Friday, August 20, 2010

I'm ready for this to go away

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.
~Blaine Lee The Power Principle

I rediscovered this quote today. I am trying very hard to put this idea into practice.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Wasted time

I've lost so much in such a short amount of time. Right now it feels like I'll never recover. I know that I will but it sure doesn't feel like it right now. I need to remember that I sold myself short and settled for what I could get. I don't deserve that. I deserve the world.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I came across this article on the blog, A Little Bit of Everything,
It talks about the onion principle which relates people and their emotional selves to an onion. An onion has many layers...get it :) I found this article really interesting.

Some people are like a raw egg. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by a stranger, a workmate, a friend, a family member, or by a romantic partner, they start to fall apart.

Some people are like a jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. They have no emotional barriers and they are easily manipulated and used by others.

Some people are like an onion. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer … when, and under what circumstances.

Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.

The Onion Principle

Layer 1 is the outer layer with smooth protective skin. Outside this layer is the world at large including the people we meet, do business with, work with, and with whom we have social contact.

Layer 2 is the first inner layer. This is for friends, pals and others we know and like.

Layer 3 is the next inner layer. This is for close family members, and close friends we know and trust.

Layer 4 is for romantic, trusting friendship (boyfriend/girlfriend)

Layer 5 is for embarking on a loving long-term relationship

Layer 6 is for the children if the onion is a parent

Layer 7 is for a total partnership of love and commitment

Layer 8 is the innermost layer (the place where your "inner child" lives). It is your most personal, private inner emotional space.

It is important to understand that an onion does not practice universal mistrust of others. That’s unhealthy. An onion is simply a discerning person who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to go to the next layer with another person.

Opening up a deep emotional layer to another person prematurely, especially to a person who will not, or cannot respond in kind, is a sure step towards a failed relationship. A problem for some people is that they naively confuse romantic infatuation with real love. This makes them think they can safely share their emotional layer 5 or even their layer 7 when, in reality, they should be only at emotional layer 3 or 4. If they discover that the other person has abused a deep inner emotional layer they have revealed and shared with that other person, the result can be devastating.

The happiest people I have met are the onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner.

Happy onions also know that taking responsibility for looking after their own inner emotional needs at layer 8 is the greatest gift they can give to themselves. Our inner layer needs our continuing care and attention if each of us is to thrive as an emotionally secure person.

I really like this article. I related to the part at the beginning that says some people are like a raw egg, hard outer shell but once someone punctures the shell they start to fall apart. I'm afraid I am a raw egg.

This whole article rang true for me especially right now. I had someone in my inner layer hurt me recently. It stings so much more because I have allowed them in so close to my core. They are an intimate friend so a harsh word hurts so much more than if it was from someone I don't know well. It makes me think that they should be banished to a less vulnerable part of my onion :)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I watched the movie Blood Diamond today. It was terrible. It wasn't terrible because it was a bad movie. It was terrible because it was true. Thousands of children are forced to be child soldiers. They are kidnapped from their families, terrorized, beaten, pumped full of drugs, and brainwashed. Watching the moment a little boy first felt the effects of hard drugs made me sick.

I love diamonds. I always stop and look at the jewelry in the display cases in the mall. I even own some diamonds. I've dreamed of my engagement ring for years. Now I do not want to wear diamonds unless they are conflict free. There's a quote from the movie I love. "The people back home wouldn't buy a ring if they knew it cost someone else their hand". Now that I know the truth behind the dirty diamond trade I will never wear another piece of diamond jewelry unless I know the stones are not conflict diamonds. I found a site called Brilliant Earth Check it out and see the movie.

Monday, June 28, 2010

When did I begin to not be able to put sentences together?

I am back at my mom's house. Fortunately it is only temporary (This is not like the last time. This time I mean it!). I rented a storage unit and stuffed all of my non essential stuff in there. My future roommate came down with his son to help me move. It was so nice not to have to do the heavy lifting. I guess that's why God invented boys.

It felt so good to move. I haven't been able to move around a lot for almost two months because of my back. I was so tired and sweaty but I felt alive. I felt my muscles stretch and contract. I was sweating all over the place and it felt so good. I had taken my body and what it does for granted before I injured my back. Now I want to test it. I want to see what else this body of mine can do. I want to be strong. After moving I walked on the treadmill for a half an hour. I feel so good. I'm going to do more walking. Maybe even some running. Future roommate is going to show me how to strength train. I can't wait.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Big sigh

*I want to get out of this situation with as much grace as possible.

*I know that I am not in the wrong and that she has a guilty conscious.

*I know that I am better off at my moms house temporarily than in this house with a strange guy who I don't feel safe around.

*I will try my best to not talk about this situation with the people I work with.

*I need to get a different job.

*I will never speak to her or him again. She is not repentant for her actions. She doesn't see and will not admit that she is in the wrong at all. I don't need her in my life.

*I am so thankful I have amazing family and friends who will help me.

My roommate started moving in her boyfriend today. She never told me. I'm moving out by this week hopefully.

I re-injured my back again so now I'm stuck in bed....again

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31.30

*picture from the blog My Teacups in Peony

Sunday, June 6, 2010

This is so far past the level of acceptable

I am Upset. I found out today through a coworker that my roommate's boyfriend is moving into our apartment on the 16th. I had no idea this was happening. My roommate did not ask me if I was ok with this. She didn't even tell me this was happening. I'm not completely surprise though. He has been practically living here since they started dating. I told her twice I wasn't comfortable with him being here so often and she ignored me both times. I don't know what to do about this most recent development. Can I do anything about it? I'm planning on moving out as soon as I can find a place. Should I just let this go? Can the property management company do anything about this? Should I contact them? I'm so disappointed, hurt, confused, and upset.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I've been wanting to take this test for a long time. I found out that I am ISFJ. I am Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. Something that stuck out to me was this "ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles." It is so true! I am so much more comfortable in a supporting role. It feels nice to have that validation. Oh, and I'm apparently often taken for granted. I'm just going to post the results here because it really is a window into my inner world.

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hearts are tricky

I would never hurt you. Not even to kiss it better.

I tried so hard after they left to make my heart hard. And now you have undone all my hard work.

I found the above quotes over at a great blog called I Wrote This For You

They are really sticking with me right now. I keep coming back to read them.

Today is day 3 without coffee. I miss it! I've had to work at 5:30 am the past three days in a row with 4 hours of sleep each night. It's been really difficult to go without my jolt in the morning. I'm very proud of myself though. I have never had this much self control which is evidence to me that I am not doing this by myself.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Floating on a cloud

As I just got off work a half hour ago and I have to be back at work in 5 and a half hours I will keep this brief.

Today was the perfect day.
Today I accepted the love that was offered. I accepted the greatest gift there is.
I was surrounded by people who love me and who I love dearly.
I am so happy and grateful.
I don't want to go to sleep because when I do this day will be over.
I want to cling to this feeling and remember it for the rest of my life.
I am blessed.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

By Rumi

Be Lost in the Call

Lord, said David, since you do not need us,
why did you create these two worlds?

Reality replied: O prisoner of time,
I was a secret treasure of kindness and generosity,
and I wished this treasure to be known,
so I created a mirror: its shining face, the heart;
its darkened back, the world;
The back would please you if you've never seen the face.

Has anyone ever produced a mirror out of mud and straw?
Yet clean away the mud and straw,
and a mirror might be revealed.

Until the juice ferments a while in the cask,
it isn't wine. If you wish your heart to be bright,
you must do a little work.

My King addressed the soul of my flesh:
You return just as you left.
Where are the traces of my gifts?

We know that alchemy transforms copper into gold.
This Sun doesn't want a crown or robe from God's grace.
He is a hat to a hundred bald men,
a covering for ten who were naked.

Jesus sat humbly on the back of an ass, my child!
How could a zephyr ride an ass?
Spirit, find your way, in seeking lowness like a stream.
Reason, tread the path of selflessness into eternity.

Remember God so much that you are forgotten.
Let the caller and the called disappear;
be lost in the Call.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Take it.
Take the love that is offered to you,
because being scared isn't a reason not to.

"Nobody ever laid on their deathbed wishing they had less love."

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

You know what would be awesome?

*If I could eat muffins, pastry, or cinnamon rolls for breakfast every morning and not gain weight.

*If cars never broke down.

*If I could snap my fingers and solve problems.

*If math was not a college requirement.

*If I wasn't so shy.

*If I won a free gym membership and the gym had a pool.

*If people would practice random acts of kindness every day. A smile can make someones day.

*If my phone hadn't just turned off.

*If I could put my feelings into words. I used to be good at this, I promise!

Monday, May 10, 2010

It's the small things

It's things I love Monday! I had such a great weekend. The happiness has carried over to make my Monday extra fantastic. I love that every Monday I want to include my friends on the list. Let's just assume my friends are the unsaid 6th thing :)

This Monday I love....

1. Vicodin. Oh how I love thee. I stretched/pinched a nerve in my back on Thursday. The lovely doctor at Urgent Care prescribed me an anti- inflammatory and this wonderful pill. Though it did give me a false sense of health and I'm pretty sure I overdid it this weekend.

2. How things are coming to me without being asked. I keep having questions and they keeping being answered in the most unexpected ways.

3. The first of the month because all the magazines come out! I love days when I get all my magazine subscriptions in the mail. It hasn't happened yet, hmpf. Hey magazine companies! I'm stuck lying in bed so send me my magazines!

4. Tori and Dean. While I was laying in bed today I discovered this show. It was a marathon today. I am so addicted to this show now. I refused to watch it for years. Lets blame it on the drugs.

5. Happy songs. Such as this one. Love.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


Lauren has a lovely blog over at
She has a fill in the blanks Friday and I am playing along this week. If you hop on over to her blog you can to. We both agree on #1

1. My favorite book growing up was : The Little House series and the Anne of Green Gables series. Actually any of Lucy Maude Montgomery's books. I loved Avonlea. In fact, I want to name my daughter that.

2. The funniest book I've ever read was: Anything by Laurie Notaro. She is hilarious.

3. The one book that has truly changed my life is: Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block. This book spoke to me on so many levels. It is a book about love, life, the awkwardness of not fitting in but mostly it is about love.

4. If you're looking for a real "tear jerker" you should probably read: Dear John. I have never cried during a book but I sobbed during this one. Ohhhh Where the Red Fern Grows made me cry also.

5. If I could meet any author living or dead I would want to meet: Alice Hoffman. I love her books.

6. The next book on my "to read" list is: A problem from hell: America and the Age of Genocide by Samantha Powell. It's not a happy story but it is fascinating.

7. If I was snowed into remote cabin in the woods and could only choose three books to bring with me I'd bring : Love Walked In by Melissa De Los Santos, The Bible- my style, Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block

Friday, May 7, 2010

I am stuck in bed trying to recover from whatever I did to my back yesterday. The hardest thing in the world for me to do is to lay around. I feel like such a lump. I have to take it easy today for as long as I can because I have to work 9 hours at work today. My back does feel a bit better so I am crossing my fingers it won't seize up again. I'm also carrying some extra strength pain killers. I am too young for this!

I have been stressing lately because of my to do list. It isn't a small one either. It is filled with some incredibly big things.

1. Find a new apartment in a different city before June 20th.
2. Find a new job in same city so I don't have to commute to my current job. Also, I am hating my current job and I need a change.
3. Tell my parents about some a fantastic decision I have made for myself that they will not like or approve of.
4. Find out how to best help my sister. She is so full of anger/rage and is not dealing with it in a good way. I don't think coming home for the summer will change anything. I don't think my mom is taking this as seriously as she should. My sister almost got evicted. My sister refuses to talk to my dad so I am trying to decide if I need to tell him what is going on. He used to be an anger management counselor so he would be the best person to deal with it. But how do I do that without my sister and mother feeling like I betrayed my sister's trust? Is it worth it? Would it only create more trouble?

Any suggestions would be awesome. I am feeling a little overwhelmed at everything I have to do but at the same time I have a sense of peace. I am working hard and I know that somehow it will all be taken care of. Well everything except #4. I am at a loss with that one.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Things that I love the list edition

So I didn't post a Things I love Monday list last week. Meh, it's my blog. So here is a list of things that I love.

1. Being busy. I like have structure to my day. There's nothing I dislike more than a day with nothing planned. This week I have really outdone myself. I'm pretty proud that I have managed to fit in time with awesome friends.

2. Learning. I love school though I may not always like homework. There is nothing more exciting to me than picking out classes arranging my schedule and buying new notebooks. Next term I'm taking Constitutional Law, Causes of War, Biology, and French, and I might take one more class. I'm not sure yet. That may be too much for me.

3. Road trips, but not just road trips. I love driving on a sunny day with the windows down and some good music on. I'm going to the beach with a friend on Saturday and I can't wait. I really hope it's sunny.

4. Sleep. I have been sorely lacking sleep this week. There is too much going on in my life that is keeping me up. I wish I had an off button for my brain.

5. Books. I am in the middle of The Poison Wood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. It is really fascinating. I really enjoy her writing style.

Well my dears, I hope your Monday was enjoyable and if not I hope your Tuesday is much better.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

To love at all...

I'm feeling lonely tonight. Today a friend told me I was strong. That's always been my job. I am the strong one.

I'll tell you a secret. I don't feel very strong right now. I want to give in. I want to feel the great things I know I'll feel if I do give in. I want to do what will make me happy in the moment. I don't want to think about the future. I don't want to think about how I will feel later. I just want it. I want someone to lean on when I don't feel like being the strong one.

I'm watching Glee and I really love the songs tonight.

"A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight"

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. ”

— C.S. Lewis

Even after all this time

The sun never says

to the Earth

"you owe me"

Look what happens

with a love like that.

It lights the whole sky.


"Nothing yields more pleasure and content to the soul than when it finds that which it may love fervently, for to love and live beloved is the soul's paradise, both here and in heaven.

~John Winthrop

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W.B. Yeats

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Things I learned the hard way #38: don't live with a coworker

I'm a fairly private person. I like to keep my personal life separate from work. I started becoming friends with a coworker who also shared my view. So we decided to become roommates. I told her when we first moved in, "Please don't get a boyfriend and have him over all the time." What do you know, two weeks after we moved in together she got a boyfriend who just so happens to be someone we work with. One week after they started dating they started sleeping together and he hasn't left. I have told her twice that I do not want him to be around so much. She made excuses each time and never really did anything about it. I HATE having him at my house all the time. I am never comfortable. I did not sign up to live with a couple. Plus he's a giant loser. I mean, the guy stopped going to school in the 7th grade. Yeah. I know.

Now my roommate is dating someone from work, they only ever hang out with people from work, and they only ever talk about work. I hate it. I can never get away from work! I can't come home and relax because he's there All the time.

Guess where they went on vacation. Vegas. A coworker told me that the boyfriend mentioned how they've thought about getting married in Vegas. $100 bucks says they come back married. I'm not moving out for another 2 months. It's quite possible my head will explode before then.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Things I love Monday

Mondays suck. I think we can all agree on that. It is the start to another work/school week. The memory of the weekend is still with us and when the alarm clock goes off all we want to do is burrow back under the covers. Well at least I do.

I've decided to focus on things that I love every Monday. Hopefully that will make my Mondays better. So without further ado.... today I am loving my friends! I really do have the best friends ever. They sat up with me until 4 or 5 in the morning after my catastrophic (at the time) breakup. They listened to me talk about him and analyze for hours what went wrong. I so owe them.

I've always thought of myself as a girls girl. I never had guy friends growing up. Little did I know that one of my best friends would be a dude. He's the kind of guy who will stay up late with me when I can't sleep even if it means he wont get much sleep, again. He opens doors for me and pretty much never lets me pay when we go out. He is there every week as I explore a new path that he has already taken. He gives me as many hugs as I want and sends them to me over text. He is so brave and strong both physically and mentally. He inspires me with his dedication to whatever he does. He is one of the greatest men I have ever met. I hope he knows how amazing he is.

I've had this one friend, lets call her H, since I was 5. That was almost 19 years ago. Oh boy. The great thing about our relationship is that we've experienced everything together. We know each others history as well as we know our own. We've been through first loves, first losses, the divorce of both sets of our parents, our own battles with depression, a huge court case, college, growing up, first real jobs, first real relationships, realizing we are going to be just like our mothers. We have lived apart for the last 6 years and every time we see each other it's like no time has passed. She is my favorite person to talk about hard subjects with because I know she will be honest. I'm honest with her as well. She is so smart and makes such good choices. She is fiercely independent and I so admire that about her.

My Melo-yellow is the most caring person I know. She is affectionate and loving. I love her hugs. I can always count on her for support in whatever I do. She is my cheerleader and my advice giver. She always tells me to go for it. I love that she finds me hilarious. I love that we can do anything together and have a great time. After a break up I was at work and really sad. We 4 stores away in the same mall. I walked down to where she was working for some comfort. We sat down on the couch and she let me put my head on her shoulder. It was such a small thing but it is still a moment I cherish. I don't think words can do it justice. I am so happy she found the love of her life (He's totally the male version of me).

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Rain falls, angry on the tin roof

Isn't it amazing how things appear when you most need them?
A chain of events has unfolded recently that has made me think....

Maybe this life that I am in the middle of,
isn't a series of random moments.
Maybe there is a plan
Maybe I've found where I fit.

Now If I could just get the one answer to the question that has been nagging at me for close to a year.

Take it away or give me everything I never knew I wanted.