Monday, November 30, 2009


I felt God today for the first time in a very long time.

I've been so stressed about a paper I have to do for class. I've been sick with the plague and my school work has suffered. The past two days have been filled with intense anxiety and panic attacks. Today I worked on my paper. I got a decent amount done and have a plan for finishing it. Even that didn't lessen my anxiety. I was to the point of panic.

I felt like I needed an anchor. I needed something to hold me in place or else I was going to shatter.

I logged on to search for more sources, convinced that mine weren't any good. I searched and found an article that relates perfectly. As I was reading it I felt calmness come over me and a voice said "See, it's going to be ok. I will take care of you."

And I was calm.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Love, in fire and blood

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you,
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Pablo Neruda

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda
I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

Friday, November 20, 2009

Things I do when I'm sick

1. Whine. A lot. To everyone, because what I really want is for someone to come make me some damn chicken soup. I've yet to have any takers.
2. Only drink water with ice cubes. Non ice water makes my throat hurt.
3. Eat and eat and eat. I wish I could be one of those people who waste away while ill but it's just not possible. The meter that tells me I'm full shuts down when I'm sick.
4. Take Dayquil and feel like I'm floating.
5. Don't shower. The temperature change makes my skin hurt.
6. Watch tv, all day long.
7. Nothing productive.
8. Leave my dishes in the sink, 10 water glasses around the house, and bags full of used tissues everywhere. My roomate is so lucky.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Nevermind me. I'm fine.

When I feel sad I reach for you.
Endless conversations without saying what I want.

Come to me.
My body craves you.
Lay me down. Make me breathless.
Make me forget.

So long

They let go of a great employee and person at work today. Someone who I consider not only a boss but a friend.

I think that he is too big for that place. His goals and aspirations exceed what he could ever accomplish there. I will miss him but I hope life has something greater in store. In fact, I am positive of it. He can do anything.

I'll miss you. I'll miss talking to you. I will miss having real conversations.

Take care.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Written By Mother Theresa
People are often unreasonable, illogical,
and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some
false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone
could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway

Thursday, November 12, 2009

For years she collected quotes, stories, poems.
Trying to express herself with the words of others
for her voice was stolen
with a little white pill
They call her Ariel.

and she wonders if the sparks of creativity are worth walking through fire

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

All I want is everything

I can feel it.

The itch to go.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I am 32 flavors and then some

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then someand
I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you

and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saintbut I will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

~Ani Difranco

Monday, November 9, 2009

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Thursday, November 5, 2009

tonight I could write the saddest lines

When I love, I love deep. I am the worst, the clingy, needy type.
It's because I'm used to grasping.

Holding on
accepting what I can get.

Just once I want a love that is mine. One that I wont have to hold on to.
One that will cling and shimmer and drape around me like shawl......

Something to keep me warm