Sunday, December 26, 2010

If I had taken your last name I would have sounded like a tropical storm

Dear T,

Today I found the pictures of you I thought I had lost. As I looked down at them I smiled. I no longer hate you. Wow, it is so freeing to say those words. It took me many years to get over what you did. I still don't have any answers but I have no emotional attachment to your memory. I wish you well and I hope that you are thriving. I'm glad you were in my life. If I had never met you I would never have gone to Kansas. Silver lining ;)

Goodbye and good luck.

PS. I'm really sorry about throwing your ring in the river. I wish I had it to give back to you.


Friday, December 10, 2010

Be at peace

I'm struggling with some internal stuff right now. Some of these are old issues I've been struggling with for awhile.

*I'm struggling with feelings of jealousy. There are two people who I feel have done me wrong. They hurt me very badly and they haven't apologized. Yet they are the ones who are getting everything they want. They have what I want. I'm struggling to see why they get everything and I do not. I'm questioning if I am on the right path. Maybe their way is the right way? But their way is everything I have been warned against. I just don't understand.

*I am struggling to let go of my anger towards my old roommate. This is something I have been working on for awhile. Sometimes when I see her I feel such intense rage I can't even speak to her.

*I am struggling with missing someone. I don't allow myself to think of that person (it's not who you think). I'm not sure I'll ever see them again.

*Basically I am struggling with trusting God. I'm getting frustrated. I don't trust that I will be taken care of. I feel like I will never get where I want to go. I feel like everyone is passing me by. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot. I'm not progressing.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Better off as friends

I am very lucky to have parents who remain on good terms after they divorced. My mom was able to put aside her anger and grief over the reasons for the divorce and stay civil towards my dad. For that she is my hero. We have celebrated every holiday and birthday together as a family. There was never any consideration of split holidays.

Today driving back from visiting my sister for her birthday I realized how rare my situation is. My dad still is the one who drives whenever we go anywhere as a family even though we always take my mom's car. The simple fact that we still do things as a family is unusual. I remember that we took a trip to Washington DC together two months after my parents announced their divorce.

My parents are better off as friends. I'm glad they were married because, that is how I came to exist. One thing I know for sure is that they will always take care of each other. Maybe they will end up being two crazy old people living next door to each other at the nursing home.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Moving on

The best part of progress is looking back and seeing how far you've come.