Thursday, January 28, 2010

Actual conversation

Friend: "I better call my boyfriend so he doesn't freak out and start drinking. Whenever I don't answer or call him back right away he thinks I'm cheating on him and gets drunk. He can't help it."

1. Who in their right mind would want to deal with that? Can you say major emotional issues?
2. He can help it.

I need to meet some fellow strong independent woman who don't settle for losers. I feel like such an oddity. I won't put up with someone who isn't secure in themselves. I am done trying to save men. It is not worth it. I understand why someone would but there comes a time when you have to decide if all the effort is worth it. Do you want to be miserable or happy? Take charge of your life. Start by surrounding yourself with people who lift you up. You are the only person who can make your life into what you want. Rant over.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Crushed and created

Crushed and Created
By Caitlyn Smith

Looking back on the things that found me
Places I would never choose
The same things that both haunt and heal
My demons and my muse

We are crushed and created
Melted and made
Broken and built up in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me
Leaves me stronger in its wake

And there are times that I've underestimated
Both the grief and goodness found in something new
Where one thing dies, something else can be created
And though it's truth you find, it's innocence you lose

We are crushed and created
Melted and made
Broken and built up in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me
Leaves me stronger in its wake

I'm not the me that I started with
My friends say my eyes are brighter
I'm not the me that I started with
I'm freer, and I'm wiser, and I'm stronger

We are crushed and created
Melted and made
Broken and built up in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me
Leaves me stronger in its wake


The wierdest thoughts pop into my head when I am supposed to be doing something. Case in point, I'm in the middle of Philosophy class when the thought pops into my head. "I wonder what other peoples driving forces are?"

Mine is the desire to help people and make the world a better place. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet. The world is pretty big and needs a lot of help. I get overwhelmed with all the possibilities and ways I could HELP THE WORLD.

What if I started small? What if I actively tried to make the lives of the people around me better? What if I just tried to be the best person I could be? I'm sure I'll make mistakes and react with anger more than once. It's the thought that counts right?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

and now these three remain...

I'm on a quest for my faith.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A fairytale

Once upon a time there lived a boy and a girl. They grew up together as the best of friends. Through the years everyone would exclaim "What a beautiful child!" whenever they saw the little girl. But she was not just beautiful. She was gentle, kind, and fair. Everyone wanted to be near her. When she became overwhelmed by all the attention the little boy would chase them all away. He told her "I am your knight. I will always be loyal to you."

The girl smiled at him and he felt brave. To the boy she was the most precious thing in his world. When the yelling would start at his house he would run over to hers. She would rub his back and tell him stories of brave princes. He so wanted to be one of the princes in her stories.

And so they grew up, side by side, until one year when the girl went away to college. The boy wasn't able to go with her so he stayed. The day before she left they met under the tree between their houses. The boy was filled with sadness. He didn't want her to leave. She told him "You've always been my protector. I'm scared to go but I know I have to. You are more precious to me than anyone else."

She gave him a picture. It was of them as children. He had a cape and a sword and she, a tiara. "Goodbye my brave knight. Don't forget me."

He held her tightly to him until she had to leave.

Without the girl, the boy was lost. It was as if the light in his life was gone. He started doing things to make himself forget the girl. He drank, he smoked, he used women's bodies. Nothing helped. He used and was used. He disappointed and was disappointed. He turned into someone he couldn't recognize. He covered the mirrors in his apartment with black sheets. Nothing mattered anymore. She wasn't there.

When the girl came back from school she went to the boy's house. She saw the bottles and the empty cartons. She tried to put her arms around him but he pushed her away.

"You left." Is all we would say to her. She tried to talk to him. To find the boy in the man who stood in front of her with sunken eyes.

"I'm not that boy anymore," the man said. "Get out."

The girl left. She walked down many streets wondering if it was all her fault. When she went back to school everyone remarked on how she had changed. Her hair was dull, her skin spotty. She had once walked the halls smiling and laughing. Now she walked with her head down and would not make eye contact. She started spending all her time at the library. She read fairy tales and children's stories, trying to figure out how to save someone. But there aren't any dragons or evil witches to fight in real life.

One day a call came. It was the boy's mother. He had been out late and crashed his car. "It's bad. Please come." The mother whispered.

The girl drove all night to the hospital. There were tubes everywhere. They had to shave his head for the surgery. He looked like the boy she remembered.

"It's a coma. They don't know when he will wake up."

The girl laid down next to the man, who looked like the little boy, and told him a story. She told him how everyone had always thought she was beautiful but she wasn't. She really was an ordinary girl. He was the one who was beautiful. She wasn't the light in his life. She was only a reflection of his. She told him she loved him. She told him she was sorry. She told him she would do anything. She would fight his dragons. She would kiss him until he awoke. She would break the spell.

When she was finished the girl went to sleep beside the boy. She held him tightly and waited for him to wake up.

*This is a very rough draft. I apologize for any erros.

Monday, January 11, 2010

In 2009 I....

*Moved out of my mom's house! A temporary situation turned into almost 2 years.

*Got a giant tax rebate for the first time in my life.

*Took a fabulous vacation to San Diego with my roomate.

*Didn't travel to see my family on the East coast for the first time since I was 6 months old.

*Saw Spring Awakening and Wicked when they came to the big city.

*Was in a wedding for two of my favorite people.

*Decided to dip my toe back in the dating pool. More on that in 2010...hopefully ;)

*Applied myself and got excellent grades which lead me too....

*Decide what I want to study and..

*Successfully transfered to a 4 year University!

*Grew closer to an old friend, thanks to a new friend :)

*Lost 30lbs!!!!!!

*Learned how to make bread from scratch. It isn't that hard.

*Went crabbing.

*Realized that I am blessed.

Bring on 2010!


All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

A friend asked me "How do you know if you're in love?"

My answer: "You know you're in love when you want to be around the other person. You trust them completely. You find yourself doing things for them because it makes them happy. You feel a connection to them that defies all description. While love is about passion it is also about comfort. You don't have to try. You can be silent together and feel connected. Love lifts you up. It makes you strive to be better. I know that it is corny and not helpful but when you know, you know."

How do you know you are in love?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A collection of inspiration

When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
~Oscar Wilde

How still, how happy! now I feel
Where silence dwells is sweeter far
Than laughing mirth's most joyous swell
However pure its raptures are.
~Emily Bronte

I see your true colors and that's why I love you. So don't be afraid to let them show.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
~Robert Frost

The innocent and the beautiful have no enemy but time.
~William Butler Yeats

We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter what their color.
~Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lie.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
~Maya Angelou

“Wish on everything. Pink cars are good, especially old ones. And stars of course, first stars and shooting stars. Planes will do if they are the first light in the sky and look like stars. Wish in tunnels, holding your breath and lifting your feet off the ground. Birthday candles. Baby teeth.”
~Francesca Lia Block

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.
According to you I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life.
According to you.
According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.

Just some thoughts

*I think I expect too much out of people. Maybe I assume that since I love giving and making people feel good that they would want to do the same for me. I find myself constantly disappointed by the same people over and over again. I hate feeling this way. I'm really at my wits end and I don't know what to do.

*I'm excited to start my very first day at a 4 year university! I'm nervous because I have not been able to register for classes yet. I hate having to go from class to class asking if I can attend.

*I've decided to turn off my phone tomorrow. I need a day of peace and I really want to absorb my first day of college.

*My church never ceases to amaze me. I am part of a Nicaragua focus group. My church has partnered with a community in Nicaragua that we are sponsoring for 5 years. We are also building a relationship with them. Our project for the Advent season was to raise $2,300 to buy water filters for the 79 families. We raised $2,867!!! I am so proud that it was such a success. I am so grateful for such generous hearts.

*I got to spend some time with two of my most favorite people. I love them so much and they are there for me whenever I need them. I am so blessed to have them there to listen to me moan and whine. They have infinite patience with me. I love them :)

*Can I find the strength to say it?

*"I need to know how much I matter to people. Maybe that's my tragic flaw, because it's something in this life that has brought me the most joy and the most pain." This quote by this lady (love her! go to her blog. Now!) has me reeling. This is exactly how I feel and I've never been able to put it into words.

Leave me breathless

"Look for me between the pages of the journal I keep that I will never show to you, where I have kept alive every strange moment I have chosen no longer to dwell on -- every thought of you and of how much I would have loved to love you if I could. You will never be who I thought you might, my dear. Look for me and you will know me. You will see me as the one before you dressed in an infinite dream of return; you will see me in a painting, behind your window, below the stair. Look for me and you will know me. You will know me by those colors, deep and bold, of the heart you never knew."

~Longwinter @ everything2

I'm coming back.
Crawling through murky straits
leaving behind disappointment
grasping on to the banks of a better tomorrow.
Buoyed by hope.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Years!

I am exhausted. I worked 30 hours in 3 days this weekend.

I have been trying to come up with a goal for this year. I am drawing a blank. My life is going in a great direction. I am truely happy and content (most of the time). The only thing I can think of is to resolve to continue in the direction I'm going. How amazing is that :)

While I can't think of anything major that I need to change, there are some small things I can do to better myself and make 2010 amazing.

*Show random acts of kindness.
*Be more patient with people. Remember that they have their own stories and problems. I need to remember this at work. I get so annoyed with customers. Oh, and while driving.
*Jealousy is my biggest flaw. I need to figure out a way to deal with jealousy better. I have no idea how to do that so if anyone has any ideas I am all ears.