Sunday, April 29, 2012

Letters to an unknown

Dear you,

I don't know you very well but I feel as if I do. I see something in you. I see your potential. I know you have the capability to be a great man. I'm not saying you are going to solve world hunger or end wars, but you can be good and kind and honest. You have the capacity to be the kind of man I could lean on.

At the same time, I see your weakness. I see the mistakes you make and that is ok. Life is hard and complicated and we are only human. While it pains me to see you make mistakes in your life I will choose to believe in you. I choose to believe your life will be more. I know you can have more than what you had growing up.

I hope I can help you to make the right decisions in life. At the same time I know it is not up to me to be your savior. I believe in you. I told you that once and I meant it. I hope and I pray that you listened to me and keep what I said in mind. I have more hopes and prayers but for now I will leave them unspoken. Some things are too precious to share at this moment.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,


Thursday, April 19, 2012

Hard to write

This is so very hard to publish. I picked up my Book for the first time in a year and the words came to me. When that happens I have to write.

People kept asking me to write my baptism story.
I never could.
I couldn't be honest.
The truth is...
I was in love with a boy,
and at night he was in love with me too but in the day time
he denied it.

He was baptized first. I was introduced to a wonderful world. A world of kindness, charity, love, affection.
The first time I went to church with him I could not believe how loving people were. Couples with their arms around each other, rubbing each others backs. It was a stark contrast to the relationship I had seen between my parents.
I met amazing people and I started to want their lives.
I had already started searching for Truth. I thought this was it.

Everyone told me that sometimes knowing doesn't happen like a lightning bolt. Sometimes it creeps up on you gentle and slow. You just have to listen for the soft whisper. I never felt the lightning bolt of truth. I saw the wonderful and went with it. Everyone said they knew I would believe. They told me they knew I was on my way to being baptized. So I went with it. I figured that this was good and true and if I didn't know for sure I would figure it out after.

My family and my friends were wary. Some were unsupportive and some were wonderful. They still are.

Then, the boy left. He found what he had been looking for and it wasn't me. I'm not going to point fingers or assign blame. I will just say that I was dishonest to a certain point but there were lines I did not cross. He did.
And he got everything he ever wanted.
He got everything I had ever wanted.
He left.
and I was left with the pain, the bitterness, the shame, the questions.
How can he get everything and I am left with nothing?
How can this religion bless those who lie over and over again?
Why am I the one to carry all of the guilt?

I was never sure.
So when I was tested I crumbled.
I admit it.
I was never completely sure.

I don't know if I will find my way back. I don't know if that way is the right way. I don't know if that life is the only way to live.

I do know that I believe in truth. I believe in the lifestyle the church promotes. I do believe in being a beacon of light in this world. I believe in righteousness. I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I have learned wonderful lessons from the time I spent studying. My life is better for it. I just don't know if this is my end game.

I know he loved me.
He can deny it but I know he did.
and I know that I desperately miss my friend.

I didn't know before I started writing this but I know now.
I am flawed.
So is he.
I thought I had forgiven but I hadn't.
I need to forgive him.
I need to forgive myself,
and that is the hardest part.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

This little light of mine.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

I've never really thought about the lyrics to this song before.
They just popped in to my head today.
I think this part of the song is very applicable to my life right now.
I finally have my light back and I am not going to let anything dim it.
I want to be a light in this world.
I want to show people the light that is inside of them because I believe everyone has the capacity for light.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare.

*The title of this post (which are my favorite lyrics in this song) is really hitting home for me right now. One more disappointment for me.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Things I can't say on Facebook volume 1

If one more person posts about Scentsy I will have a fit. I wish there was a way to block a word from showing up in my feed so I did't have to see all these posts. I do not want to buy anything from you!