Thursday, April 19, 2012

Hard to write

This is so very hard to publish. I picked up my Book for the first time in a year and the words came to me. When that happens I have to write.

People kept asking me to write my baptism story.
I never could.
I couldn't be honest.
The truth is...
I was in love with a boy,
and at night he was in love with me too but in the day time
he denied it.

He was baptized first. I was introduced to a wonderful world. A world of kindness, charity, love, affection.
The first time I went to church with him I could not believe how loving people were. Couples with their arms around each other, rubbing each others backs. It was a stark contrast to the relationship I had seen between my parents.
I met amazing people and I started to want their lives.
I had already started searching for Truth. I thought this was it.

Everyone told me that sometimes knowing doesn't happen like a lightning bolt. Sometimes it creeps up on you gentle and slow. You just have to listen for the soft whisper. I never felt the lightning bolt of truth. I saw the wonderful and went with it. Everyone said they knew I would believe. They told me they knew I was on my way to being baptized. So I went with it. I figured that this was good and true and if I didn't know for sure I would figure it out after.

My family and my friends were wary. Some were unsupportive and some were wonderful. They still are.

Then, the boy left. He found what he had been looking for and it wasn't me. I'm not going to point fingers or assign blame. I will just say that I was dishonest to a certain point but there were lines I did not cross. He did.
And he got everything he ever wanted.
He got everything I had ever wanted.
He left.
and I was left with the pain, the bitterness, the shame, the questions.
How can he get everything and I am left with nothing?
How can this religion bless those who lie over and over again?
Why am I the one to carry all of the guilt?

I was never sure.
So when I was tested I crumbled.
I admit it.
I was never completely sure.

I don't know if I will find my way back. I don't know if that way is the right way. I don't know if that life is the only way to live.

I do know that I believe in truth. I believe in the lifestyle the church promotes. I do believe in being a beacon of light in this world. I believe in righteousness. I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I have learned wonderful lessons from the time I spent studying. My life is better for it. I just don't know if this is my end game.

I know he loved me.
He can deny it but I know he did.
and I know that I desperately miss my friend.

I didn't know before I started writing this but I know now.
I am flawed.
So is he.
I thought I had forgiven but I hadn't.
I need to forgive him.
I need to forgive myself,
and that is the hardest part.

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