Tuesday, April 27, 2010

To love at all...

I'm feeling lonely tonight. Today a friend told me I was strong. That's always been my job. I am the strong one.

I'll tell you a secret. I don't feel very strong right now. I want to give in. I want to feel the great things I know I'll feel if I do give in. I want to do what will make me happy in the moment. I don't want to think about the future. I don't want to think about how I will feel later. I just want it. I want someone to lean on when I don't feel like being the strong one.

I'm watching Glee and I really love the songs tonight.

"A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight"

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. ”

— C.S. Lewis

Even after all this time

The sun never says

to the Earth

"you owe me"

Look what happens

with a love like that.

It lights the whole sky.


"Nothing yields more pleasure and content to the soul than when it finds that which it may love fervently, for to love and live beloved is the soul's paradise, both here and in heaven.

~John Winthrop

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W.B. Yeats

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Things I learned the hard way #38: don't live with a coworker

I'm a fairly private person. I like to keep my personal life separate from work. I started becoming friends with a coworker who also shared my view. So we decided to become roommates. I told her when we first moved in, "Please don't get a boyfriend and have him over all the time." What do you know, two weeks after we moved in together she got a boyfriend who just so happens to be someone we work with. One week after they started dating they started sleeping together and he hasn't left. I have told her twice that I do not want him to be around so much. She made excuses each time and never really did anything about it. I HATE having him at my house all the time. I am never comfortable. I did not sign up to live with a couple. Plus he's a giant loser. I mean, the guy stopped going to school in the 7th grade. Yeah. I know.

Now my roommate is dating someone from work, they only ever hang out with people from work, and they only ever talk about work. I hate it. I can never get away from work! I can't come home and relax because he's there All the time.

Guess where they went on vacation. Vegas. A coworker told me that the boyfriend mentioned how they've thought about getting married in Vegas. $100 bucks says they come back married. I'm not moving out for another 2 months. It's quite possible my head will explode before then.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Things I love Monday

Mondays suck. I think we can all agree on that. It is the start to another work/school week. The memory of the weekend is still with us and when the alarm clock goes off all we want to do is burrow back under the covers. Well at least I do.

I've decided to focus on things that I love every Monday. Hopefully that will make my Mondays better. So without further ado.... today I am loving my friends! I really do have the best friends ever. They sat up with me until 4 or 5 in the morning after my catastrophic (at the time) breakup. They listened to me talk about him and analyze for hours what went wrong. I so owe them.

I've always thought of myself as a girls girl. I never had guy friends growing up. Little did I know that one of my best friends would be a dude. He's the kind of guy who will stay up late with me when I can't sleep even if it means he wont get much sleep, again. He opens doors for me and pretty much never lets me pay when we go out. He is there every week as I explore a new path that he has already taken. He gives me as many hugs as I want and sends them to me over text. He is so brave and strong both physically and mentally. He inspires me with his dedication to whatever he does. He is one of the greatest men I have ever met. I hope he knows how amazing he is.

I've had this one friend, lets call her H, since I was 5. That was almost 19 years ago. Oh boy. The great thing about our relationship is that we've experienced everything together. We know each others history as well as we know our own. We've been through first loves, first losses, the divorce of both sets of our parents, our own battles with depression, a huge court case, college, growing up, first real jobs, first real relationships, realizing we are going to be just like our mothers. We have lived apart for the last 6 years and every time we see each other it's like no time has passed. She is my favorite person to talk about hard subjects with because I know she will be honest. I'm honest with her as well. She is so smart and makes such good choices. She is fiercely independent and I so admire that about her.

My Melo-yellow is the most caring person I know. She is affectionate and loving. I love her hugs. I can always count on her for support in whatever I do. She is my cheerleader and my advice giver. She always tells me to go for it. I love that she finds me hilarious. I love that we can do anything together and have a great time. After a break up I was at work and really sad. We 4 stores away in the same mall. I walked down to where she was working for some comfort. We sat down on the couch and she let me put my head on her shoulder. It was such a small thing but it is still a moment I cherish. I don't think words can do it justice. I am so happy she found the love of her life (He's totally the male version of me).

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Rain falls, angry on the tin roof

Isn't it amazing how things appear when you most need them?
A chain of events has unfolded recently that has made me think....

Maybe this life that I am in the middle of,
isn't a series of random moments.
Maybe there is a plan
Maybe I've found where I fit.

Now If I could just get the one answer to the question that has been nagging at me for close to a year.

Take it away or give me everything I never knew I wanted.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Evidence of my advanced age

In my literature class we read a story that told of an ideal marriage. The couple loved each other, had children, were satisfied with their life, and had hobbies and interests they enjoyed until they died. Everyone in my literature class said how boring their life was. I disagree (I am in a 100 level class so most everyone else is 18 or 19 years old. I am 24). I remember being their age and thinking that stability was boring. I remember wanting a passionate, daring, adventurous love. I wanted the bad boy, the one who would keep me guessing. Then, I had a couple of them. I had relationships that were dramatic with screaming matches and drama. We broke up, got back together, broke up and got back together endlessly. I fell head over heels with someone who left me so suddenly it made my head spin. One day we were in love, the next he wouldn't return my phone calls. I had drama.

Now that I am older I want stability. I don't want boring but there is a difference between boring and stable. Having stability in a relationship means knowing you are safe. It means never having to doubt your partner. It means knowing that you are loved and feeling secure that your love will not be rejected. I don't think that is boring. I want a life like the one in the story.

*image found on Slice of Pink. I don't know how to hyper link yet. Apologies.

I want to....

Be someone who dances/sings/laughs without being self conscious
Comfort those who are in need
Be there to protect my sister
Stop procrastinating
Go to the beach
Feel returned love
Be free with my smiles
Travel all over the world
Leave my job
Be content with myself and my decisions.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I'm back!

I finally got a computer! It's a Mac and I love it. I named it Vincent. Ned (my iphone) has some serious competition now.