If I'm being honest

I’m a dreamer. I have a hard time living in reality. Instead I live in my daydreams. That is why I have such a hard time when someone doesn’t live up to my expectations. In my head they are perfect. They say and do all the right things.

I’m impatiently waiting for the one who will be even better than what I have imagined.

Truth #2

Seduce my mind and you can have my body,

Find my soul and I'm yours forever.

~ by Anonymous ~

Secret #4

*I am happy most of the day. I can feel the happiness swell in my heart. Sometimes I am overcome with just how wonderful the world is, how amazing my life is, and all the wonderful things I have. To come to this after years of overwhelming sadness is the best gift I have ever been given.

*Now if I feel sadness or stress I know that these emotions are fleeting and they will pass. I suppose this new realization is part of growing older. I like it.

From one of my favorite albums

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
Cuz now you have no interest in anything that I have to say
I've allowed you to make me feel I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I you so easily set me aside

You made a fool of me tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love tell me why
You made a fool of me
You made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
Smell you in my dreams
But now when we're face to face
You won't look me in the eye no time no friendship no love
You say don't touch you
I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you anymore
Anymore

You made a fool of me tell me why tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love tell me why tell me why
You made a fool of me tell me why babe tell me why such a fool
You made a fool of me a fool of me tell me why tell me why

Secret #3

*I want a man who will take care of me. I want someone strong both in mind and body. I am a peaceful person and I want my man to also work for peace but when push comes to shove I want someone who will protect me.

Secret #2

*For a time in high school I wore silver rings on every one of my fingers. I loved wearing those rings. I loved the clinking sound they made when I would flutter my fingers. People would constantly make comments about how it must take me so long to take them off and ask why I wore so many rings. I still don't understand why people were so interested. What did it matter to them?

Secret #1

* I keep a document of quotes on my computer that is 45 pages long. Before my old computer crashed I emailed myself the document of quotes I had saved. That one is around 30 pages. So, in total I have 75 pages of quotes. I want to compile them all into a big book of inspiration.

In a world where so many just exist I want to Live. Exuberantly, enthusiastically, hopefully, joyfully, with abundant love. I want to collect truth and wear it as armor. I don't want to live inside a box. I want to float among labels, adding and discarding as I see fit. I want to taste and laugh, feel and hear. I want the brightest colors, the most vibrant people. I want to live out loud.

Any time now

Dear Universe:

I'm ready. Send me The Man.

Thank you.

Today is a good day

Quote from my nutrition professor, "Can I just say what a pleasure it has been to have you in class. I am here for you for whenever for whatever you need. I know that you are going to change the world. Have a great summer"

I loved my nutrition class. It was a great mix of information, activism, and personal nutrition. We watched Supersize me and Food Inc. in class. I love that my teacher incorporated those movies because not everyone knows the secrets of the fast food and food industry.

I really loved my nutrition professor. She is such a force and really motivates her students. She also has a wicked sense of humor which I love. What she said made me feel like I really could change the world. That exchange has been the most memorable part of my college career.

I spoke my dream out loud yesterday. The new guy at work asked me "What's your story? What's your plan?" I spoke my dream, "I want to work in an orphanage in Africa." I don't know why but I don't share my dream very often with strangers. I realized though how am I going to make it come true if I don't speak about it often and out loud with everyone. I want to work in an orphanage in Africa.

*I don't remember where I found this picture. If anyone knows let me know and I will give credit.

Once upon a time

She had fairy tale dreams once.

Before the first.

He arrived suddenly, swept her off her feet, adorned her with precious jewels

wrote her poetry that slowly turned toxic. For a year every word he spoke to her dripped with poison.

Before the second.

He was passionate. Fiery. Every time he touched her he left sparks.

She felt the heat for days after.

Her skin still bears the shiny white scars.

Before you.

Half declarations of love, always looking over her shoulder. Eyes open while mouths met.

"I'll be right back darling. I just have to get more cigs."

Five months later she saw the pictures. The girl from the gas station.

What fairy tales don't tell you is that sometimes the prince doesn't come. Sometimes the princess has to rescue herself.

A lazy dreamy....thursday morning?

Sleeping in, reading in bed, having time to make a leisurely breakfast. Those are all elements of a great Sunday but I am having my Sunday on Thursday. I love being able to wake up slowly, reach over and crack open a book. Take a long hot shower. Enjoy a cup of green tea by the open window and feel the fresh crisp breeze roll over me. I noticed today that steel cut oats with a little honey have just the slightest hint of sweetness. I much prefer that to the loud processed sugar overtones typical breakfasts have.

I started the first book in The Hunger Games trilogy and so far I love it. I wish I didn't have to work so I could devour the book in one day.

I hope your Thursday is just as lovely.

:)

I've recently discovered will power

Oh hello there.

I notice that I am kind of a downer on here. I promise that doesn't reflect who I am in real life. I am quite the ray of sun shine. I guess I don't really believe the day to day awesomeness is really that interesting to anyone. It's just my life. Also, I tend to embrace the darkness. I feel that in dark low down depths of your soul is where true revelation comes from. By embracing and expressing those feelings you express the essence of yourself. I create best when it comes from a place of anguish. The pain lets me know how deeply I can feel. Wow, I am rather intense. Story of my life :)

I've been switching things up in my world. I got tired of living with a state of perpetual exhaustion so I sought out a naturopath for help. I've cleaned up my diet by incorporating more real food. I have cut out all processed sugar, dairy, white flour, white rice, and potatoes. Basically all the white food groups. I've also been moving more and making a choice to exercise. I've always found it hard because the things I most enjoy are reading and watching movies which are stationary activities. I've also been taking better care of myself by eating breakfast, keeping snacks with me so I eat when I'm hungry instead of going without, and eating more vegetables. It has been painful and hard but I am starting to see the results after 3 weeks. I've lost 11lbs (woot woot), I don't feel as tired throughout the day, I'm not nauseous in the mornings, and I have fewer headaches. I still want chocolate though....badly, like right now.

My naturopath has also prescribed me UNDA drops. I had never heard of them before. You can read about them here: http://whatishealing.com/UndaNumbers.htm (I'm too lazy to look up how to make the link clickable. If someone wants to tell me how I'm totally open to it). She also gave me a tincture. It tastes absolutely terrible. It is supposed to get my pituitary gland talking to my ovaries correctly because I have some messed up hormones. I'm also drinking 100 ounces of water a day. Really though, I don't keep track. I just drink water constantly. I have noticed that I have to pee way more often which makes me believe I have successfully upped my water intake.

It is nearing the point in the school term that everything is due and I can not wait for summer to get here. I just finished writing a biography of Thich Nhat Hanh and he is currently inspiring me. I checked out a whole bunch of books about him from the school library. I wasn't able to read all of them before I wrote my paper but I am reading them now. I find such inspiration and peace when I read his writing.

Well there is my normal catch up on my life story. That wasn't too bad. Maybe one of these days I'll fix up the old blog layout.

Ants marching

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

~C.S. Lewis

I'm afraid of a lot of things but the thing I'm most afraid of is becoming like this quote. Sometimes I think I'm odd for enjoying my alone time. That I should stay at work after my shift and hang out with my coworkers who drink until the early morning.

I have a coworker friend who went through a really rough time. He was crying out for people to help him. We had several really intense talks and I felt like we really bonded. Now that his situation has resolved itself he doesn't seek me out anymore. I look in his eyes and I can see his guard is up. There is something else there in his eyes that keeps me at a distance. I feel a wall between us. I don't know why it's there. I don't know what changed. I really miss him.

An open note to someone who will never read this

*I've been burdened too long by the secret shame.

Your soul is not clean

It's time for me to step out of the dark and reclaim mine.

Good luck in the future,

I am no longer held hostage by you.

Date a girl who reads.

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads."

— Rosemary Urquico

* I found this on the blog: Una Bella Vita.

First book read of 2011

Technically I started this book in December of 2010 so it's a carry over from last year. Ah well. I am obsessed with India right now so I really loved this book. It is definitely an epic family saga at around 1,400 pages. The story is set in post partition India and revolves around Lata Mehra. It tells the story about the search for a husband for Lata. She is a young girl studying at university and becomes romantically involved with a man who her family does not approve of because he is Muslim and they are Hindu. Because of this her mother decides it is time to find Lata a husband. Wrapped around this main story line are stories from her extended family, friends of her family, and the story of India struggling to emerge. There were some references to Hindu and Muslim Gods and festivals that went over my head. There was a fun description of Holi which I am dying to experience in India. My favorite character in the book was Latas best friend Malati. She is described as a very beautiful, tall, and strong young woman. I loved her as a character because of her strength, smarts, and refusal to conform to the typical silly girls around her.

I highly recommend this book.

Just some things I've been thinking.

I believe that anger, hate, and the desire to fight those who injure you are nothing more than evolutionary responses. It is much more courageous to embrace the ones who attempt to mark your soul and return their anger with love.

It takes more courage to embrace someone than to strike them.

I can usually see in someone's eyes when they switch from the mask they use everyday to a genuine look. I'm always amazed at the vulnerability that appears on their faces. I love seeing the switch. From then on, they have a special place in my heart.

I would really like to learn how to use ' correctly.

A quote from the book I'm currently reading:

"Mother, do they think it's exactly in reverse?" she asked.

"What?" asked Mrs. Taggart, bewildered.

"The things you were talking about. The lights and the flowers. Do they expect those things to make them romantic, not the other way around?"

"Darling, what do you mean?"

"There wasn't a person there who enjoyed it," she said, her voice lifeless, "or who thought or felt anything at all. They moved about, and they said the same dull things they say anywhere. I supposed they thought the lights would make it brilliant."

"Darling, you take everything too seriously. One is not supposed to be intellectual at a ball. One is simply supposed to be gay."

"How? By being stupid?"

"I mean, for instance, didn't you enjoy meeting the young men?"

"What men? There wasn't a man there I couldn't squash ten of."

~Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

This is Zach Wahls

I can not believe that Zach is only 19. He has a great presence. I can tell he is going to do great things.

This issue is about equality. Everyone deserves the chance to marry the one they love. No one has the right to tell another person who they can or can not marry.

"The sexual orientation of my parents has had zero effect on the content of my character."

~Zach Wahls

Agape

"Arithmetic"

I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

[Chorus]
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the one I want

Well hot and heavy pumpkin pie

Somewhere my future husband is out there wondering where I am. Somewhere he is frustrated with the endless dates and relationships that aren't just quite right. Somewhere he is wondering where his perfect girl is. The one who laughs loudly and often. Who takes delight in the deep green color of grass. Who is content just being in the sun. Who loves everyone...really.

Someone out there is going to listen to me when I have my grand ideas (Even though they usually come to me very late at night). And it will be ok that while I'm passionately speaking my mind he will look at me and really not be listening at all because all he can think is "Wow. I am so lucky that she is mine. She is amazing."

Every day could be the day I meet my Someone and that makes me very excited.

Well I'll take this and use it to propel me forward. Because I'm going to end up on top. And you'll see. You'll see how wrong you were. You'll see

Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on ~Tom Jackson
By forgiving and choosing to move on, one takes the power back to morph it into positive energy ~ Eugenia Tripputi
Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. ~Blaine Lee

That’s the toughest part, letting go, you know. That’s the part of grace that really sucks. ~One Tree Hill

*All images found on We Heart It

I've watched more movies the past two months than all of last year

I watched this movie because I have heard a lot of good things about it. The basic premise of the movie is: a nice girl, Olive, lies about having sex. She lies to boost the image of her friend who is gay and is bullied at school because of his sexual orientation. When everyone at school thinks they had sex they stop picking on him. Things get out of control and she ends up with a reputation. She decides to own it by sewing a scarlet A on all of her clothes just like Hester Prynne in the Scarlet Letter. Things get worse and then eventually they get better and end like a John Hughes movie.

While this movie had witty moments and phenomenal actors (I LOVED everyone in this movie) I didn't enjoy this movie. It just made me feel sad. While the movie ended happily it wasn't a happy ending. I felt depressed after I watched it. Not my favorite.

Watch for: Olive's parents played by Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson

Bright Star

Bright Star

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art -
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like Nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors -
No - yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever - or else swoon to death.

~John Keats

I want...

* To connect with people on a deeper level than our similar celebrity crushes. I want to have shared beliefs, adventurous spirits, open minds, passion.

* Patience with myself.

* All the time in the world.

* To base all my actions on love.

*To be completely understood.

* Miracles.

* To be a light in this world. I want to reflect the light in others so they may see how magnificent they are.

* A larger vocabulary.

* A deep reciprocated love.

inspired by you

She pauses at the doorway and looks into the room. He is in bed correcting papers. The bedside lamp illuminates half of his face. His hair is rumpled. His glass are forgotten resting on the blanket. She loves the way his eyes sparkle in the lamplight. She walks over and sits on the bed facing him.

Her: "Can I tell you something?"

He looks at her and smiles the smile she loves. The one that makes his eyes crinkle. The smile their son has. He puts down the papers and meets her gaze

Him: "Sure"

Suddenly, she's shy so she leans in and whispers in his ear.

"You still make my heart skip a beat."

She pauses, a smile on her lips, her hand on his heart.

"And sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am."

Ira & Abby

I adore Jennifer Westfeldt so when this movie popped up on my Netflix suggestions I was eager to watch it. This movie is about two complete opposites who meet and decide to get married in a day. The movie is a study of relationships and marriage. It weaves in and out of Abby and Ira's relationship as well as the relationship of their parents. At the end of the movie you finally understand what the theme of the movie is. The stance the film takes on marriage is not one I agree with. What I took away from watching the movie was that marriage does not guarantee happiness because there are no good marriages. So why get married? Which got me to thinking about why I would get married.

Why marriage?

If we have no peace, it’s because we have forgotten that we belong to each other

I'm a little bit of a hoarder. I tend to save books I think will be really meaningful. I want to be in the right mindset to read them, to savor them. Last night before bed I finally started to read the book Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. These letters were exactly what the book is called, letters to a young poet. Rilke wrote advice to a young man who first wrote to him. The book is magnificent and the following passage struck a chord in my heart. Rilke is advising the young man on how to be a writer.

"Pretend you are the very first man and then write what you see and experience, what you love and lose. Do not write love poems, at least at first; they present the greatest challenge. It requires great, fully ripened power to produce something personal, something unique, when there are so many good and sometimes even brilliant renditions in great numbers. Beware of general themes. Cling to those that your everyday life offers you. Write about your sorrows, your wishes, your passing thoughts, your belief in anything beautiful. Describe all that with fervent, quiet, and humble sincerity. In order to express yourself, use things in your surroundings, the scenes of your dreams, and the subjects of your memory."

This passage reminds me of a scene in Little Women, when the professor is advising Jo on what to write. He says "Write what you know" I find that simple sentence very powerful. That is exactly what blogs are. They are the random things that make up a person's life. So I am taking Rilke's and the professor's advice. I am going to write what I know. All I can wish for is that it comes across on the screen.

Right now I am...

Believing: In the beauty of the individual person

Wishing: For more skill and knowledge

Seeing: Nature's beauty

Thankful for: Wonderful family and friends

This is a wall

I have this wall in my house. It started out blank and I'm slowly filling it with pictures. I'm actually filling the rest of my empty walls with pictures, mirrors, and art. That is something I can fix. I can make the walls look less like they are empty.

Too many questions

I don't know if I can continue on this path and stay true to me.

I am realizing more and more that I do not fit into any specific box. I think that is the scariest part for me. There is no where I fully belong. My values and beliefs do not completely align with anything already established. So what do I do?

Blessings are all around. We just have to be aware enough to recognize them

People who enjoy their jobs are blessed. Usually I am one of the people but something about January is making me feel blah and annoyed at work. The other day I was sulking about having to work. I semi prayed/wished that something would get me through this wretched day. Then I had a conversation with a coworker and found out some information about him I didn't know before. We connected and I feel like we formed a bond. I love connecting with people. It is the best feeling. Then I got to hold a baby. So pretty much the day ended up being amazing.

It is the little moments that make me the happiest. Those moments aren't necessarily the most earth shattering but they are the most satisfying. The little moments are what sustain me.

I've been thinkin bout somethin other than you

I know I know, but I love them and this song is so catchy and true :)

Goodbye 2010

Thinking back on 2010 the word that best encapsulates the past year is struggle. This past year has really made me question who I am and my beliefs. I was betrayed by two friends and let go of those friendships for good. I have questioned myself more than ever and for the first time in a long time I am unsure with my decisions. I do not know which path is the right one.

* This next year I want to continue to grow. I want to let go of the timeline I've created for my life.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us" ~joseph campbell

* I want to travel more. Hopefully this year I will be going to Spain, Portugal, and Canada. Related to this goal is another one I have for this year which is to do what scares me. I find that I often say no to things because I am scared. So I want to say yes more often this year.

* I want to let go of the emotions and hurt feelings from my broken friendships. I want to be at a place where I can look back on the good times fondly and wish they well. I want to be done with them entirely and that can't happen until I let go of the emotions attached to them.

Hopefully by accomplishing these goals in 2011 I will create a better year for myself.