Monday, August 30, 2010

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

I'm not sure how people can quit a job with no notice. I know I would feel guilty knowing I created an unnecessary hardship for my former coworkers.

I got a phone call from my work today. One of our staff of three up and quit 15 minutes before her shift. I went in to cover her shift on what was supposed to be my day off. Now we need to find another person. I've decided to look at this as a positive situation because if I don't I'll probably just be bitter. Now I'm going to be making more money! Woohoo!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

It's a good thing I have the internet. How else would I waste my time?

I figured out why I'm not sleeping. I wake up every morning with a sick feeling. I know something is missing and then I remember what it is. I have to talk myself up every morning. I have to convince myself to be happy. I have to coach myself to not feel heartsick. I don't sleep because I don't want to have to wake up and go through all of that. The last time this happened I had someone who would talk to me until I felt ok to sleep. Now I don't.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of writing about it. I'm so frustrated that someone can affect me this much. I just want to feel better. I'm doing a pretty good job but I have my moments. This is a moment.


I am a permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time –everything. If I love you, I will protect you from your own insecurity. I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you never actually cultivated in yourself. I will give you the sun and the moon and if they are not available I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more until I am so exhausted and depleted that the only way can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. –Eat, Pray, Love

I am a bit of a contradiction in that I have huge walls up for people I don't know well (which doesn't serve me well when I try to make new friends) and I am a permeable membrane when it comes to people who are important to me. Setting boundaries is something I am no good at when it comes to the people I love. I think that has been the downfall of my past relationships and it is something I need to work on. I tend to be a really giving person. I hate seeing people I love upset or hurt so I try everything in my power to take care of them. I don't want to cross over to the other extreme of not caring because I like that I care so much. I like helping people.

So, how do you set boundaries when all you want to do is give?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Counting sheep keeps me up

When you have to be at work by 5:30am insomnia is highly annoying. Yesterday I finally went to sleep at 4. You would think I would be exhausted and falling asleep on my feet. Yes I am, except when I start thinking about going to sleep. Right now I am lying in bed wide awake. I went through this 4 years ago after a very painful breakup. I didn't sleep properly for a year and a half. My friend used to talk to me for hours at a time every night for that entire time. He was the one who would lull me to sleep. Well, I don't have that option so lets make lists!

5 things that made me happy today

1. Going to church.
2. Taking a shower mid day
3. Feeling the warm sun.
4. Realizing the kids camp I am working at tomorrow doesn't start until 1pm.
5. A sweet friend who always greets me with a smile and hug.

Books that made a difference to me
1. Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block
2. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
3. The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman
4. A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
5. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
6. The scriptures by God :)

Movies I can watch over and over
1. Serendipity
2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
3. Little Women
4. The Notebook

The best songs ever (aka the ones I can remember right now)
1. Thinking over by Dana Glover
2. I'll be by Edwin McCain or The Goo-Goo Dolls
3. These are the Days by Sugarland
4. Happy Ending by Sugarland
5. Seabreeze by Tyrone Wells
6. Broken Glass by Annie Lennox
7. 32 flavors by Ani DiFranco
8. Criminal by Fiona Apple
9. Silent all these years by Tori Amos...actually the entire cd Little Earthquakes

2 things I wish I could change
1. Feelings
2. My need to control everything

Friday, August 20, 2010

I'm ready for this to go away

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.
~Blaine Lee The Power Principle

I rediscovered this quote today. I am trying very hard to put this idea into practice.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Wasted time

I've lost so much in such a short amount of time. Right now it feels like I'll never recover. I know that I will but it sure doesn't feel like it right now. I need to remember that I sold myself short and settled for what I could get. I don't deserve that. I deserve the world.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I came across this article on the blog, A Little Bit of Everything,
It talks about the onion principle which relates people and their emotional selves to an onion. An onion has many layers...get it :) I found this article really interesting.

Some people are like a raw egg. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by a stranger, a workmate, a friend, a family member, or by a romantic partner, they start to fall apart.

Some people are like a jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. They have no emotional barriers and they are easily manipulated and used by others.

Some people are like an onion. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer … when, and under what circumstances.

Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.

The Onion Principle

Layer 1 is the outer layer with smooth protective skin. Outside this layer is the world at large including the people we meet, do business with, work with, and with whom we have social contact.

Layer 2 is the first inner layer. This is for friends, pals and others we know and like.

Layer 3 is the next inner layer. This is for close family members, and close friends we know and trust.

Layer 4 is for romantic, trusting friendship (boyfriend/girlfriend)

Layer 5 is for embarking on a loving long-term relationship

Layer 6 is for the children if the onion is a parent

Layer 7 is for a total partnership of love and commitment

Layer 8 is the innermost layer (the place where your "inner child" lives). It is your most personal, private inner emotional space.

It is important to understand that an onion does not practice universal mistrust of others. That’s unhealthy. An onion is simply a discerning person who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to go to the next layer with another person.

Opening up a deep emotional layer to another person prematurely, especially to a person who will not, or cannot respond in kind, is a sure step towards a failed relationship. A problem for some people is that they naively confuse romantic infatuation with real love. This makes them think they can safely share their emotional layer 5 or even their layer 7 when, in reality, they should be only at emotional layer 3 or 4. If they discover that the other person has abused a deep inner emotional layer they have revealed and shared with that other person, the result can be devastating.

The happiest people I have met are the onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner.

Happy onions also know that taking responsibility for looking after their own inner emotional needs at layer 8 is the greatest gift they can give to themselves. Our inner layer needs our continuing care and attention if each of us is to thrive as an emotionally secure person.

I really like this article. I related to the part at the beginning that says some people are like a raw egg, hard outer shell but once someone punctures the shell they start to fall apart. I'm afraid I am a raw egg.

This whole article rang true for me especially right now. I had someone in my inner layer hurt me recently. It stings so much more because I have allowed them in so close to my core. They are an intimate friend so a harsh word hurts so much more than if it was from someone I don't know well. It makes me think that they should be banished to a less vulnerable part of my onion :)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I watched the movie Blood Diamond today. It was terrible. It wasn't terrible because it was a bad movie. It was terrible because it was true. Thousands of children are forced to be child soldiers. They are kidnapped from their families, terrorized, beaten, pumped full of drugs, and brainwashed. Watching the moment a little boy first felt the effects of hard drugs made me sick.

I love diamonds. I always stop and look at the jewelry in the display cases in the mall. I even own some diamonds. I've dreamed of my engagement ring for years. Now I do not want to wear diamonds unless they are conflict free. There's a quote from the movie I love. "The people back home wouldn't buy a ring if they knew it cost someone else their hand". Now that I know the truth behind the dirty diamond trade I will never wear another piece of diamond jewelry unless I know the stones are not conflict diamonds. I found a site called Brilliant Earth Check it out and see the movie.