Hard to write

This is so very hard to publish. I picked up my Book for the first time in a year and the words came to me. When that happens I have to write.

People kept asking me to write my baptism story.

I never could.

I couldn't be honest.

The truth is...

I was in love with a boy,

and at night he was in love with me too but in the day time

he denied it.

He was baptized first. I was introduced to a wonderful world. A world of kindness, charity, love, affection.

The first time I went to church with him I could not believe how loving people were. Couples with their arms around each other, rubbing each others backs. It was a stark contrast to the relationship I had seen between my parents.

I met amazing people and I started to want their lives.

I had already started searching for Truth. I thought this was it.

Everyone told me that sometimes knowing doesn't happen like a lightning bolt. Sometimes it creeps up on you gentle and slow. You just have to listen for the soft whisper. I never felt the lightning bolt of truth. I saw the wonderful and went with it. Everyone said they knew I would believe. They told me they knew I was on my way to being baptized. So I went with it. I figured that this was good and true and if I didn't know for sure I would figure it out after.

My family and my friends were wary. Some were unsupportive and some were wonderful. They still are.

Then, the boy left. He found what he had been looking for and it wasn't me. I'm not going to point fingers or assign blame. I will just say that I was dishonest to a certain point but there were lines I did not cross. He did.

And he got everything he ever wanted.

He got everything I had ever wanted.

He left.

and I was left with the pain, the bitterness, the shame, the questions.

How can he get everything and I am left with nothing?

How can this religion bless those who lie over and over again?

Why am I the one to carry all of the guilt?

I was never sure.

So when I was tested I crumbled.

I admit it.

I was never completely sure.

I don't know if I will find my way back. I don't know if that way is the right way. I don't know if that life is the only way to live.

I do know that I believe in truth. I believe in the lifestyle the church promotes. I do believe in being a beacon of light in this world. I believe in righteousness. I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I have learned wonderful lessons from the time I spent studying. My life is better for it. I just don't know if this is my end game.

I know he loved me.

He can deny it but I know he did.

and I know that I desperately miss my friend.

I didn't know before I started writing this but I know now.

I am flawed.

So is he.

I thought I had forgiven but I hadn't.

I need to forgive him.

I need to forgive myself,

and that is the hardest part.

This little light of mine.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

I've never really thought about the lyrics to this song before.

They just popped in to my head today.

I think this part of the song is very applicable to my life right now.

I finally have my light back and I am not going to let anything dim it.

I want to be a light in this world.

I want to show people the light that is inside of them because I believe everyone has the capacity for light.

Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare.

*The title of this post (which are my favorite lyrics in this song) is really hitting home for me right now. One more disappointment for me.

Things I can't say on Facebook volume 1

If one more person posts about Scentsy I will have a fit. I wish there was a way to block a word from showing up in my feed so I did't have to see all these posts. I do not want to buy anything from you!

I don’t know who this is addressed to. If you’re reading it, maybe that person is you.

I reserve the right to change my mind. To tell you that I would never do something and later, do it. I will change my mind.

I will judge you when we first meet. I can’t help it. But I promise to put more thought into you. I promise to not judge you solely on first impressions. I promise to try to figure out why you do what you do.

Most of all, I reserve the right to grow and change. I am a chameleon. But I will take lessons and truths with me. Everything I have experienced has taught me something.

I do care what you think of me because I respect you. I don’t care what other people think of me because I’ve decided their opinion doesn’t mean much. That, or because I know I will never see them again.

I don’t know if I believe in the God and the rules you do, but I do believe in something. This changes.

I am confident but I am also vulnerable. I am strong but weak. I am good with a bad side. (Speaking of my bad side. That will only be shown to one man at a time) I am sweet but powerful. Don’t underestimate me.

I don’t adapt well to change. I will fight and kick and eventually give in but it will be a struggle. Be prepared.

I love things that make me happy. I will always listen to boppy music and read hopeful books. That doesn’t mean my brain is less advanced than yours. I am smart and I know it.

I hate anything related to how computers or cars work. I will make someone else take care of that for me. That doesn’t make me less independent.

I like my alone time. That does not mean I am not social. I love people but I need time and space to recharge.

If I decide you are worth it I will keep you forever.

I would be...

I found this list over at one of my favorite blogs Coeur de La. Caroline is a wonderful photographer and her posts always showcase the best in life. I'm anxious to try her jam recipes.

If I was a month I would be September,

If I was a day of the week, I would be Sunday
If I was a time of day, I would be the golden hour
If I was a planet, I would be Earth

If I was a sea animal, I would be a dolphin

If I was a direction, I would be West

If I was a piece of furniture, I would be a bed
If I was a liquid, I would be champagne
If I was a gemstone, I would be a diamond

If I was a tree, I would be a Japanese maple

If I was a tool, I would be allen wrench

If I was a flower, I would be a peony
If I was a type of weather, I would be a beautiful, crisp fall day with warm sunshine

If I was a musical instrument, I would be the violin
If I was a color, I would be cerulean

If I was an emotion, I would be longing

If I was a fruit, I would be a tart cherry
If I was a sound, I would be wind chimes

If I was an element, I’d be water
If I was a car, I’d be

If I was a food ... I would be

If I was a place, I’d be a

If I was a material, I'd be a

If I was a taste, I'd be
If I was a scent, I’d be

Know your worth and accept nothing less

I have been thinking lately about my worth. Who I am as a woman, friend, lover, citizen of this earth. How do I know my worth? Where does my worth come from? I've come up with a few things I know for sure.

My worth as a woman does not come from my dress size, my makeup, my hair style. My worth as a woman comes from my compassion, my strength, my morals, my courage, my wisdom. It comes from within me. My worth is not shown to the public. It is not visible through others eyes. My worth comes from experience. My worth manifests itself through my actions. Most importantly my worth comes from my mind. It is up to me to show and make manifest who I am as a person.

Where does your worth come from?