I spoke my dream out loud yesterday. The new guy at work asked me "What's your story? What's your plan?" I spoke my dream, "I want to work in an orphanage in Africa." I don't know why but I don't share my dream very often with strangers. I realized though how am I going to make it come true if I don't speak about it often and out loud with everyone. I want to work in an orphanage in Africa.

*I don't remember where I found this picture. If anyone knows let me know and I will give credit.

Once upon a time

She had fairy tale dreams once.

Before the first.

He arrived suddenly, swept her off her feet, adorned her with precious jewels

wrote her poetry that slowly turned toxic. For a year every word he spoke to her dripped with poison.

Before the second.

He was passionate. Fiery. Every time he touched her he left sparks.

She felt the heat for days after.

Her skin still bears the shiny white scars.

Before you.

Half declarations of love, always looking over her shoulder. Eyes open while mouths met.

"I'll be right back darling. I just have to get more cigs."

Five months later she saw the pictures. The girl from the gas station.

What fairy tales don't tell you is that sometimes the prince doesn't come. Sometimes the princess has to rescue herself.

A lazy dreamy....thursday morning?

Sleeping in, reading in bed, having time to make a leisurely breakfast. Those are all elements of a great Sunday but I am having my Sunday on Thursday. I love being able to wake up slowly, reach over and crack open a book. Take a long hot shower. Enjoy a cup of green tea by the open window and feel the fresh crisp breeze roll over me. I noticed today that steel cut oats with a little honey have just the slightest hint of sweetness. I much prefer that to the loud processed sugar overtones typical breakfasts have.

I started the first book in The Hunger Games trilogy and so far I love it. I wish I didn't have to work so I could devour the book in one day.

I hope your Thursday is just as lovely.

:)

I've recently discovered will power

Oh hello there.

I notice that I am kind of a downer on here. I promise that doesn't reflect who I am in real life. I am quite the ray of sun shine. I guess I don't really believe the day to day awesomeness is really that interesting to anyone. It's just my life. Also, I tend to embrace the darkness. I feel that in dark low down depths of your soul is where true revelation comes from. By embracing and expressing those feelings you express the essence of yourself. I create best when it comes from a place of anguish. The pain lets me know how deeply I can feel. Wow, I am rather intense. Story of my life :)

I've been switching things up in my world. I got tired of living with a state of perpetual exhaustion so I sought out a naturopath for help. I've cleaned up my diet by incorporating more real food. I have cut out all processed sugar, dairy, white flour, white rice, and potatoes. Basically all the white food groups. I've also been moving more and making a choice to exercise. I've always found it hard because the things I most enjoy are reading and watching movies which are stationary activities. I've also been taking better care of myself by eating breakfast, keeping snacks with me so I eat when I'm hungry instead of going without, and eating more vegetables. It has been painful and hard but I am starting to see the results after 3 weeks. I've lost 11lbs (woot woot), I don't feel as tired throughout the day, I'm not nauseous in the mornings, and I have fewer headaches. I still want chocolate though....badly, like right now.

My naturopath has also prescribed me UNDA drops. I had never heard of them before. You can read about them here: http://whatishealing.com/UndaNumbers.htm (I'm too lazy to look up how to make the link clickable. If someone wants to tell me how I'm totally open to it). She also gave me a tincture. It tastes absolutely terrible. It is supposed to get my pituitary gland talking to my ovaries correctly because I have some messed up hormones. I'm also drinking 100 ounces of water a day. Really though, I don't keep track. I just drink water constantly. I have noticed that I have to pee way more often which makes me believe I have successfully upped my water intake.

It is nearing the point in the school term that everything is due and I can not wait for summer to get here. I just finished writing a biography of Thich Nhat Hanh and he is currently inspiring me. I checked out a whole bunch of books about him from the school library. I wasn't able to read all of them before I wrote my paper but I am reading them now. I find such inspiration and peace when I read his writing.

Well there is my normal catch up on my life story. That wasn't too bad. Maybe one of these days I'll fix up the old blog layout.

Ants marching

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

~C.S. Lewis

I'm afraid of a lot of things but the thing I'm most afraid of is becoming like this quote. Sometimes I think I'm odd for enjoying my alone time. That I should stay at work after my shift and hang out with my coworkers who drink until the early morning.

I have a coworker friend who went through a really rough time. He was crying out for people to help him. We had several really intense talks and I felt like we really bonded. Now that his situation has resolved itself he doesn't seek me out anymore. I look in his eyes and I can see his guard is up. There is something else there in his eyes that keeps me at a distance. I feel a wall between us. I don't know why it's there. I don't know what changed. I really miss him.

An open note to someone who will never read this

*I've been burdened too long by the secret shame.

Your soul is not clean

It's time for me to step out of the dark and reclaim mine.

Good luck in the future,

I am no longer held hostage by you.

Date a girl who reads.

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads."

— Rosemary Urquico

* I found this on the blog: Una Bella Vita.