Haiku

It is a habit.
In bed, I trace your tattoos
to memorize you

I trace your tattoos

in order to memorize

you, in bed with me.


I trace your tattoos
in order to memorize
you, this moment, me.

Letters to an unknown

Dear you,

I don't know you very well but I feel as if I do. I see something in you. I see your potential. I know you have the capability to be a great man. I'm not saying you are going to solve world hunger or end wars, but you can be good and kind and honest. You have the capacity to be the kind of man I could lean on.

At the same time, I see your weakness. I see the mistakes you make and that is ok. Life is hard and complicated and we are only human. While it pains me to see you make mistakes in your life I will choose to believe in you. I choose to believe your life will be more. I know you can have more than what you had growing up.

I hope I can help you to make the right decisions in life. At the same time I know it is not up to me to be your savior. I believe in you. I told you that once and I meant it. I hope and I pray that you listened to me and keep what I said in mind. I have more hopes and prayers but for now I will leave them unspoken. Some things are too precious to share at this moment.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

Me

Hard to write

This is so very hard to publish. I picked up my Book for the first time in a year and the words came to me. When that happens I have to write.

People kept asking me to write my baptism story.

I never could.

I couldn't be honest.

The truth is...

I was in love with a boy,

and at night he was in love with me too but in the day time

he denied it.

He was baptized first. I was introduced to a wonderful world. A world of kindness, charity, love, affection.

The first time I went to church with him I could not believe how loving people were. Couples with their arms around each other, rubbing each others backs. It was a stark contrast to the relationship I had seen between my parents.

I met amazing people and I started to want their lives.

I had already started searching for Truth. I thought this was it.

Everyone told me that sometimes knowing doesn't happen like a lightning bolt. Sometimes it creeps up on you gentle and slow. You just have to listen for the soft whisper. I never felt the lightning bolt of truth. I saw the wonderful and went with it. Everyone said they knew I would believe. They told me they knew I was on my way to being baptized. So I went with it. I figured that this was good and true and if I didn't know for sure I would figure it out after.

My family and my friends were wary. Some were unsupportive and some were wonderful. They still are.

Then, the boy left. He found what he had been looking for and it wasn't me. I'm not going to point fingers or assign blame. I will just say that I was dishonest to a certain point but there were lines I did not cross. He did.

And he got everything he ever wanted.

He got everything I had ever wanted.

He left.

and I was left with the pain, the bitterness, the shame, the questions.

How can he get everything and I am left with nothing?

How can this religion bless those who lie over and over again?

Why am I the one to carry all of the guilt?

I was never sure.

So when I was tested I crumbled.

I admit it.

I was never completely sure.

I don't know if I will find my way back. I don't know if that way is the right way. I don't know if that life is the only way to live.

I do know that I believe in truth. I believe in the lifestyle the church promotes. I do believe in being a beacon of light in this world. I believe in righteousness. I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I have learned wonderful lessons from the time I spent studying. My life is better for it. I just don't know if this is my end game.

I know he loved me.

He can deny it but I know he did.

and I know that I desperately miss my friend.

I didn't know before I started writing this but I know now.

I am flawed.

So is he.

I thought I had forgiven but I hadn't.

I need to forgive him.

I need to forgive myself,

and that is the hardest part.

This little light of mine.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

I've never really thought about the lyrics to this song before.

They just popped in to my head today.

I think this part of the song is very applicable to my life right now.

I finally have my light back and I am not going to let anything dim it.

I want to be a light in this world.

I want to show people the light that is inside of them because I believe everyone has the capacity for light.

Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare.

*The title of this post (which are my favorite lyrics in this song) is really hitting home for me right now. One more disappointment for me.

Things I can't say on Facebook volume 1

If one more person posts about Scentsy I will have a fit. I wish there was a way to block a word from showing up in my feed so I did't have to see all these posts. I do not want to buy anything from you!

I don’t know who this is addressed to. If you’re reading it, maybe that person is you.

I reserve the right to change my mind. To tell you that I would never do something and later, do it. I will change my mind.

I will judge you when we first meet. I can’t help it. But I promise to put more thought into you. I promise to not judge you solely on first impressions. I promise to try to figure out why you do what you do.

Most of all, I reserve the right to grow and change. I am a chameleon. But I will take lessons and truths with me. Everything I have experienced has taught me something.

I do care what you think of me because I respect you. I don’t care what other people think of me because I’ve decided their opinion doesn’t mean much. That, or because I know I will never see them again.

I don’t know if I believe in the God and the rules you do, but I do believe in something. This changes.

I am confident but I am also vulnerable. I am strong but weak. I am good with a bad side. (Speaking of my bad side. That will only be shown to one man at a time) I am sweet but powerful. Don’t underestimate me.

I don’t adapt well to change. I will fight and kick and eventually give in but it will be a struggle. Be prepared.

I love things that make me happy. I will always listen to boppy music and read hopeful books. That doesn’t mean my brain is less advanced than yours. I am smart and I know it.

I hate anything related to how computers or cars work. I will make someone else take care of that for me. That doesn’t make me less independent.

I like my alone time. That does not mean I am not social. I love people but I need time and space to recharge.

If I decide you are worth it I will keep you forever.

I would be...

I found this list over at one of my favorite blogs Coeur de La. Caroline is a wonderful photographer and her posts always showcase the best in life. I'm anxious to try her jam recipes.

If I was a month I would be September,

If I was a day of the week, I would be Sunday
If I was a time of day, I would be the golden hour
If I was a planet, I would be Earth

If I was a sea animal, I would be a dolphin

If I was a direction, I would be West

If I was a piece of furniture, I would be a bed
If I was a liquid, I would be champagne
If I was a gemstone, I would be a diamond

If I was a tree, I would be a Japanese maple

If I was a tool, I would be allen wrench

If I was a flower, I would be a peony
If I was a type of weather, I would be a beautiful, crisp fall day with warm sunshine

If I was a musical instrument, I would be the violin
If I was a color, I would be cerulean

If I was an emotion, I would be longing

If I was a fruit, I would be a tart cherry
If I was a sound, I would be wind chimes

If I was an element, I’d be water
If I was a car, I’d be

If I was a food ... I would be

If I was a place, I’d be a

If I was a material, I'd be a

If I was a taste, I'd be
If I was a scent, I’d be

Know your worth and accept nothing less

I have been thinking lately about my worth. Who I am as a woman, friend, lover, citizen of this earth. How do I know my worth? Where does my worth come from? I've come up with a few things I know for sure.

My worth as a woman does not come from my dress size, my makeup, my hair style. My worth as a woman comes from my compassion, my strength, my morals, my courage, my wisdom. It comes from within me. My worth is not shown to the public. It is not visible through others eyes. My worth comes from experience. My worth manifests itself through my actions. Most importantly my worth comes from my mind. It is up to me to show and make manifest who I am as a person.

Where does your worth come from?

Stay with Me

Please let this wish come true.

Please...

The truth is

I still miss you,

my friend.

Days like today catch me off guard.

The ache in my chest where your memory remains.

2011

2011 was a huge improvement from 2010. I lived by myself for a whole year, in fact I signed a new lease for the same apartment. This is the first time I've lived anywhere for more than a year my whole adult life.

I asked for a raise at work and got it. Then 5 months later I got another one.

I went to Spain!!!! My first trip to Europe! I am so glad I went but it was a very different experience than what I imagined.

I continued to do well in school.

I decided to take control of my health and I finally do not have stomach problems.

I forgave a friend and apologized to her and her husband for my part in the situation.

I learned which of my friends will truly be there for me and which ones will not and you know what that's ok. I love my friends but some are better at different things than others. Some of my friends show their love in a different ways. I just have to keep my expectations of them grounded in reality.

I turned 25! I'm not sure if it was turning 25 or traveling in Europe by myself but I feel so much more confident in myself. I feel very secure in who I am.

2011 was a year of improvements. I feel very different than I did at the beginning of the year. Nothing drastic happened to change me but I feel changed. 2011 was a slow gradual metamorphous. I hope 2012 continues in the same pattern.

If I'm being honest

I’m a dreamer. I have a hard time living in reality. Instead I live in my daydreams. That is why I have such a hard time when someone doesn’t live up to my expectations. In my head they are perfect. They say and do all the right things.

I’m impatiently waiting for the one who will be even better than what I have imagined.

Truth #2

Seduce my mind and you can have my body,

Find my soul and I'm yours forever.

~ by Anonymous ~

Secret #4

*I am happy most of the day. I can feel the happiness swell in my heart. Sometimes I am overcome with just how wonderful the world is, how amazing my life is, and all the wonderful things I have. To come to this after years of overwhelming sadness is the best gift I have ever been given.

*Now if I feel sadness or stress I know that these emotions are fleeting and they will pass. I suppose this new realization is part of growing older. I like it.

From one of my favorite albums

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
Cuz now you have no interest in anything that I have to say
I've allowed you to make me feel I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I you so easily set me aside

You made a fool of me tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love tell me why
You made a fool of me
You made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
Smell you in my dreams
But now when we're face to face
You won't look me in the eye no time no friendship no love
You say don't touch you
I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you anymore
Anymore

You made a fool of me tell me why tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love tell me why tell me why
You made a fool of me tell me why babe tell me why such a fool
You made a fool of me a fool of me tell me why tell me why

Secret #3

*I want a man who will take care of me. I want someone strong both in mind and body. I am a peaceful person and I want my man to also work for peace but when push comes to shove I want someone who will protect me.

Secret #2

*For a time in high school I wore silver rings on every one of my fingers. I loved wearing those rings. I loved the clinking sound they made when I would flutter my fingers. People would constantly make comments about how it must take me so long to take them off and ask why I wore so many rings. I still don't understand why people were so interested. What did it matter to them?

Secret #1

* I keep a document of quotes on my computer that is 45 pages long. Before my old computer crashed I emailed myself the document of quotes I had saved. That one is around 30 pages. So, in total I have 75 pages of quotes. I want to compile them all into a big book of inspiration.

In a world where so many just exist I want to Live. Exuberantly, enthusiastically, hopefully, joyfully, with abundant love. I want to collect truth and wear it as armor. I don't want to live inside a box. I want to float among labels, adding and discarding as I see fit. I want to taste and laugh, feel and hear. I want the brightest colors, the most vibrant people. I want to live out loud.