What you don't know

Stay with Me

2012-01-22T22:51:00.000-08:00

Please let this wish come true.

Please...

2012-01-07T00:20:00.001-08:00

The truth is

I still miss you,

my friend.

Days like today catch me off guard.

The ache in my chest where your memory remains.

2011

2012-01-05T23:45:00.000-08:00

2011 was a huge improvement from 2010. I lived by myself for a whole year, in fact I signed a new lease for the same apartment. This is the first time I've lived anywhere for more than a year my whole adult life.

I asked for a raise at work and got it. Then 5 months later I got another one.

I went to Spain!!!! My first trip to Europe! I am so glad I went but it was a very different experience than what I imagined.

I continued to do well in school.

I decided to take control of my health and I finally do not have stomach problems.

I forgave a friend and apologized to her and her husband for my part in the situation.

I learned which of my friends will truly be there for me and which ones will not and you know what that's ok. I love my friends but some are better at different things than others. Some of my friends show their love in a different ways. I just have to keep my expectations of them grounded in reality.

I turned 25! I'm not sure if it was turning 25 or traveling in Europe by myself but I feel so much more confident in myself. I feel very secure in who I am.

2011 was a year of improvements. I feel very different than I did at the beginning of the year. Nothing drastic happened to change me but I feel changed. 2011 was a slow gradual metamorphous. I hope 2012 continues in the same pattern.

If I'm being honest

2011-11-06T14:55:00.001-08:00

I’m a dreamer. I have a hard time living in reality. Instead I live in my daydreams. That is why I have such a hard time when someone doesn’t live up to my expectations. In my head they are perfect. They say and do all the right things.

I’m impatiently waiting for the one who will be even better than what I have imagined.

Truth #2

2011-11-05T22:17:00.001-07:00

Seduce my mind and you can have my body,

Find my soul and I'm yours forever.

~ by Anonymous ~

Secret #4

2011-10-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

*I am happy most of the day. I can feel the happiness swell in my heart. Sometimes I am overcome with just how wonderful the world is, how amazing my life is, and all the wonderful things I have. To come to this after years of overwhelming sadness is the best gift I have ever been given.

*Now if I feel sadness or stress I know that these emotions are fleeting and they will pass. I suppose this new realization is part of growing older. I like it.

From one of my favorite albums

2011-08-22T00:07:00.001-07:00

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
Cuz now you have no interest in anything that I have to say
I've allowed you to make me feel I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I you so easily set me aside

You made a fool of me tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love tell me why
You made a fool of me
You made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
Smell you in my dreams
But now when we're face to face
You won't look me in the eye no time no friendship no love
You say don't touch you
I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you anymore
Anymore

You made a fool of me tell me why tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love tell me why tell me why
You made a fool of me tell me why babe tell me why such a fool
You made a fool of me a fool of me tell me why tell me why

Secret #3

2011-08-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

*I want a man who will take care of me. I want someone strong both in mind and body. I am a peaceful person and I want my man to also work for peace but when push comes to shove I want someone who will protect me.

Secret #2

2011-08-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

*For a time in high school I wore silver rings on every one of my fingers. I loved wearing those rings. I loved the clinking sound they made when I would flutter my fingers. People would constantly make comments about how it must take me so long to take them off and ask why I wore so many rings. I still don't understand why people were so interested. What did it matter to them?

Secret #1

2011-08-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

* I keep a document of quotes on my computer that is 45 pages long. Before my old computer crashed I emailed myself the document of quotes I had saved. That one is around 30 pages. So, in total I have 75 pages of quotes. I want to compile them all into a big book of inspiration.

2011-08-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

In a world where so many just exist I want to Live. Exuberantly, enthusiastically, hopefully, joyfully, with abundant love. I want to collect truth and wear it as armor. I don't want to live inside a box. I want to float among labels, adding and discarding as I see fit. I want to taste and laugh, feel and hear. I want the brightest colors, the most vibrant people. I want to live out loud.

Any time now

2011-07-03T23:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Universe:

I'm ready. Send me The Man.

Thank you.

Today is a good day

2011-06-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

Quote from my nutrition professor, "Can I just say what a pleasure it has been to have you in class. I am here for you for whenever for whatever you need. I know that you are going to change the world. Have a great summer"

I loved my nutrition class. It was a great mix of information, activism, and personal nutrition. We watched Supersize me and Food Inc. in class. I love that my teacher incorporated those movies because not everyone knows the secrets of the fast food and food industry.

I really loved my nutrition professor. She is such a force and really motivates her students. She also has a wicked sense of humor which I love. What she said made me feel like I really could change the world. That exchange has been the most memorable part of my college career.

2011-06-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

I spoke my dream out loud yesterday. The new guy at work asked me "What's your story? What's your plan?" I spoke my dream, "I want to work in an orphanage in Africa." I don't know why but I don't share my dream very often with strangers. I realized though how am I going to make it come true if I don't speak about it often and out loud with everyone. I want to work in an orphanage in Africa.

*I don't remember where I found this picture. If anyone knows let me know and I will give credit.

Once upon a time

2011-06-04T00:53:00.001-07:00

She had fairy tale dreams once.

Before the first.

He arrived suddenly, swept her off her feet, adorned her with precious jewels

wrote her poetry that slowly turned toxic. For a year every word he spoke to her dripped with poison.

Before the second.

He was passionate. Fiery. Every time he touched her he left sparks.

She felt the heat for days after.

Her skin still bears the shiny white scars.

Before you.

Half declarations of love, always looking over her shoulder. Eyes open while mouths met.

"I'll be right back darling. I just have to get more cigs."

Five months later she saw the pictures. The girl from the gas station.

What fairy tales don't tell you is that sometimes the prince doesn't come. Sometimes the princess has to rescue herself.

A lazy dreamy....thursday morning?

2011-05-26T13:48:00.001-07:00

Sleeping in, reading in bed, having time to make a leisurely breakfast. Those are all elements of a great Sunday but I am having my Sunday on Thursday. I love being able to wake up slowly, reach over and crack open a book. Take a long hot shower. Enjoy a cup of green tea by the open window and feel the fresh crisp breeze roll over me. I noticed today that steel cut oats with a little honey have just the slightest hint of sweetness. I much prefer that to the loud processed sugar overtones typical breakfasts have.

I started the first book in The Hunger Games trilogy and so far I love it. I wish I didn't have to work so I could devour the book in one day.

I hope your Thursday is just as lovely.

I've recently discovered will power

2011-05-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

Oh hello there.

I notice that I am kind of a downer on here. I promise that doesn't reflect who I am in real life. I am quite the ray of sun shine. I guess I don't really believe the day to day awesomeness is really that interesting to anyone. It's just my life. Also, I tend to embrace the darkness. I feel that in dark low down depths of your soul is where true revelation comes from. By embracing and expressing those feelings you express the essence of yourself. I create best when it comes from a place of anguish. The pain lets me know how deeply I can feel. Wow, I am rather intense. Story of my life :)

I've been switching things up in my world. I got tired of living with a state of perpetual exhaustion so I sought out a naturopath for help. I've cleaned up my diet by incorporating more real food. I have cut out all processed sugar, dairy, white flour, white rice, and potatoes. Basically all the white food groups. I've also been moving more and making a choice to exercise. I've always found it hard because the things I most enjoy are reading and watching movies which are stationary activities. I've also been taking better care of myself by eating breakfast, keeping snacks with me so I eat when I'm hungry instead of going without, and eating more vegetables. It has been painful and hard but I am starting to see the results after 3 weeks. I've lost 11lbs (woot woot), I don't feel as tired throughout the day, I'm not nauseous in the mornings, and I have fewer headaches. I still want chocolate though....badly, like right now.

My naturopath has also prescribed me UNDA drops. I had never heard of them before. You can read about them here: http://whatishealing.com/UndaNumbers.htm (I'm too lazy to look up how to make the link clickable. If someone wants to tell me how I'm totally open to it). She also gave me a tincture. It tastes absolutely terrible. It is supposed to get my pituitary gland talking to my ovaries correctly because I have some messed up hormones. I'm also drinking 100 ounces of water a day. Really though, I don't keep track. I just drink water constantly. I have noticed that I have to pee way more often which makes me believe I have successfully upped my water intake.

It is nearing the point in the school term that everything is due and I can not wait for summer to get here. I just finished writing a biography of Thich Nhat Hanh and he is currently inspiring me. I checked out a whole bunch of books about him from the school library. I wasn't able to read all of them before I wrote my paper but I am reading them now. I find such inspiration and peace when I read his writing.

Well there is my normal catch up on my life story. That wasn't too bad. Maybe one of these days I'll fix up the old blog layout.

Ants marching

2011-05-01T14:46:00.000-07:00

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

~C.S. Lewis

I'm afraid of a lot of things but the thing I'm most afraid of is becoming like this quote. Sometimes I think I'm odd for enjoying my alone time. That I should stay at work after my shift and hang out with my coworkers who drink until the early morning.

I have a coworker friend who went through a really rough time. He was crying out for people to help him. We had several really intense talks and I felt like we really bonded. Now that his situation has resolved itself he doesn't seek me out anymore. I look in his eyes and I can see his guard is up. There is something else there in his eyes that keeps me at a distance. I feel a wall between us. I don't know why it's there. I don't know what changed. I really miss him.

An open note to someone who will never read this

2011-03-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

*I've been burdened too long by the secret shame.

Your soul is not clean

It's time for me to step out of the dark and reclaim mine.

Good luck in the future,

I am no longer held hostage by you.

Date a girl who reads.

2011-03-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads."

— Rosemary Urquico

* I found this on the blog: Una Bella Vita.

First book read of 2011

2011-02-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

Technically I started this book in December of 2010 so it's a carry over from last year. Ah well. I am obsessed with India right now so I really loved this book. It is definitely an epic family saga at around 1,400 pages. The story is set in post partition India and revolves around Lata Mehra. It tells the story about the search for a husband for Lata. She is a young girl studying at university and becomes romantically involved with a man who her family does not approve of because he is Muslim and they are Hindu. Because of this her mother decides it is time to find Lata a husband. Wrapped around this main story line are stories from her extended family, friends of her family, and the story of India struggling to emerge. There were some references to Hindu and Muslim Gods and festivals that went over my head. There was a fun description of Holi which I am dying to experience in India. My favorite character in the book was Latas best friend Malati. She is described as a very beautiful, tall, and strong young woman. I loved her as a character because of her strength, smarts, and refusal to conform to the typical silly girls around her.

I highly recommend this book.

Just some things I've been thinking.

2011-02-24T18:22:00.000-08:00

I believe that anger, hate, and the desire to fight those who injure you are nothing more than evolutionary responses. It is much more courageous to embrace the ones who attempt to mark your soul and return their anger with love.

It takes more courage to embrace someone than to strike them.

I can usually see in someone's eyes when they switch from the mask they use everyday to a genuine look. I'm always amazed at the vulnerability that appears on their faces. I love seeing the switch. From then on, they have a special place in my heart.

I would really like to learn how to use ' correctly.

A quote from the book I'm currently reading:

"Mother, do they think it's exactly in reverse?" she asked.

"What?" asked Mrs. Taggart, bewildered.

"The things you were talking about. The lights and the flowers. Do they expect those things to make them romantic, not the other way around?"

"Darling, what do you mean?"

"There wasn't a person there who enjoyed it," she said, her voice lifeless, "or who thought or felt anything at all. They moved about, and they said the same dull things they say anywhere. I supposed they thought the lights would make it brilliant."

"Darling, you take everything too seriously. One is not supposed to be intellectual at a ball. One is simply supposed to be gay."

"How? By being stupid?"

"I mean, for instance, didn't you enjoy meeting the young men?"

"What men? There wasn't a man there I couldn't squash ten of."

~Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

This is Zach Wahls

2011-02-15T22:12:00.000-08:00

I can not believe that Zach is only 19. He has a great presence. I can tell he is going to do great things.

This issue is about equality. Everyone deserves the chance to marry the one they love. No one has the right to tell another person who they can or can not marry.

"The sexual orientation of my parents has had zero effect on the content of my character."

~Zach Wahls

Agape

2011-02-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

"Arithmetic"

I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

[Chorus]
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the one I want

Well hot and heavy pumpkin pie

2011-02-09T22:40:00.001-08:00

Somewhere my future husband is out there wondering where I am. Somewhere he is frustrated with the endless dates and relationships that aren't just quite right. Somewhere he is wondering where his perfect girl is. The one who laughs loudly and often. Who takes delight in the deep green color of grass. Who is content just being in the sun. Who loves everyone...really.

Someone out there is going to listen to me when I have my grand ideas (Even though they usually come to me very late at night). And it will be ok that while I'm passionately speaking my mind he will look at me and really not be listening at all because all he can think is "Wow. I am so lucky that she is mine. She is amazing."

Every day could be the day I meet my Someone and that makes me very excited.

Well I'll take this and use it to propel me forward. Because I'm going to end up on top. And you'll see. You'll see how wrong you were. You'll see

2011-02-07T23:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on ~Tom Jackson
By forgiving and choosing to move on, one takes the power back to morph it into positive energy ~ Eugenia Tripputi
Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. ~Blaine Lee

That’s the toughest part, letting go, you know. That’s the part of grace that really sucks. ~One Tree Hill

*All images found on We Heart It

I've watched more movies the past two months than all of last year

2011-02-06T21:45:00.000-08:00

I watched this movie because I have heard a lot of good things about it. The basic premise of the movie is: a nice girl, Olive, lies about having sex. She lies to boost the image of her friend who is gay and is bullied at school because of his sexual orientation. When everyone at school thinks they had sex they stop picking on him. Things get out of control and she ends up with a reputation. She decides to own it by sewing a scarlet A on all of her clothes just like Hester Prynne in the Scarlet Letter. Things get worse and then eventually they get better and end like a John Hughes movie.

While this movie had witty moments and phenomenal actors (I LOVED everyone in this movie) I didn't enjoy this movie. It just made me feel sad. While the movie ended happily it wasn't a happy ending. I felt depressed after I watched it. Not my favorite.

Watch for: Olive's parents played by Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson

Bright Star

2011-01-27T20:56:00.000-08:00

Bright Star

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art -
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like Nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors -
No - yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever - or else swoon to death.

~John Keats

I want...

2011-01-24T22:13:00.000-08:00

* To connect with people on a deeper level than our similar celebrity crushes. I want to have shared beliefs, adventurous spirits, open minds, passion.

* Patience with myself.

* All the time in the world.

* To base all my actions on love.

*To be completely understood.

* Miracles.

* To be a light in this world. I want to reflect the light in others so they may see how magnificent they are.

* A larger vocabulary.

* A deep reciprocated love.

inspired by you

2011-01-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

She pauses at the doorway and looks into the room. He is in bed correcting papers. The bedside lamp illuminates half of his face. His hair is rumpled. His glass are forgotten resting on the blanket. She loves the way his eyes sparkle in the lamplight. She walks over and sits on the bed facing him.

Her: "Can I tell you something?"

He looks at her and smiles the smile she loves. The one that makes his eyes crinkle. The smile their son has. He puts down the papers and meets her gaze

Him: "Sure"

Suddenly, she's shy so she leans in and whispers in his ear.

"You still make my heart skip a beat."

She pauses, a smile on her lips, her hand on his heart.

"And sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am."

Ira & Abby

2011-01-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

I adore Jennifer Westfeldt so when this movie popped up on my Netflix suggestions I was eager to watch it. This movie is about two complete opposites who meet and decide to get married in a day. The movie is a study of relationships and marriage. It weaves in and out of Abby and Ira's relationship as well as the relationship of their parents. At the end of the movie you finally understand what the theme of the movie is. The stance the film takes on marriage is not one I agree with. What I took away from watching the movie was that marriage does not guarantee happiness because there are no good marriages. So why get married? Which got me to thinking about why I would get married.

Why marriage?

If we have no peace, it’s because we have forgotten that we belong to each other

2011-01-19T13:28:00.000-08:00

I'm a little bit of a hoarder. I tend to save books I think will be really meaningful. I want to be in the right mindset to read them, to savor them. Last night before bed I finally started to read the book Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. These letters were exactly what the book is called, letters to a young poet. Rilke wrote advice to a young man who first wrote to him. The book is magnificent and the following passage struck a chord in my heart. Rilke is advising the young man on how to be a writer.

"Pretend you are the very first man and then write what you see and experience, what you love and lose. Do not write love poems, at least at first; they present the greatest challenge. It requires great, fully ripened power to produce something personal, something unique, when there are so many good and sometimes even brilliant renditions in great numbers. Beware of general themes. Cling to those that your everyday life offers you. Write about your sorrows, your wishes, your passing thoughts, your belief in anything beautiful. Describe all that with fervent, quiet, and humble sincerity. In order to express yourself, use things in your surroundings, the scenes of your dreams, and the subjects of your memory."

This passage reminds me of a scene in Little Women, when the professor is advising Jo on what to write. He says "Write what you know" I find that simple sentence very powerful. That is exactly what blogs are. They are the random things that make up a person's life. So I am taking Rilke's and the professor's advice. I am going to write what I know. All I can wish for is that it comes across on the screen.

Right now I am...

Believing: In the beauty of the individual person

Wishing: For more skill and knowledge

Seeing: Nature's beauty

Thankful for: Wonderful family and friends

This is a wall

2011-01-18T23:17:00.000-08:00

I have this wall in my house. It started out blank and I'm slowly filling it with pictures. I'm actually filling the rest of my empty walls with pictures, mirrors, and art. That is something I can fix. I can make the walls look less like they are empty.

Too many questions

2011-01-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I can continue on this path and stay true to me.

I am realizing more and more that I do not fit into any specific box. I think that is the scariest part for me. There is no where I fully belong. My values and beliefs do not completely align with anything already established. So what do I do?

Blessings are all around. We just have to be aware enough to recognize them

2011-01-09T22:52:00.001-08:00

People who enjoy their jobs are blessed. Usually I am one of the people but something about January is making me feel blah and annoyed at work. The other day I was sulking about having to work. I semi prayed/wished that something would get me through this wretched day. Then I had a conversation with a coworker and found out some information about him I didn't know before. We connected and I feel like we formed a bond. I love connecting with people. It is the best feeling. Then I got to hold a baby. So pretty much the day ended up being amazing.

It is the little moments that make me the happiest. Those moments aren't necessarily the most earth shattering but they are the most satisfying. The little moments are what sustain me.

I've been thinkin bout somethin other than you

2011-01-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

I know I know, but I love them and this song is so catchy and true :)

Goodbye 2010

2011-01-02T22:55:00.000-08:00

Thinking back on 2010 the word that best encapsulates the past year is struggle. This past year has really made me question who I am and my beliefs. I was betrayed by two friends and let go of those friendships for good. I have questioned myself more than ever and for the first time in a long time I am unsure with my decisions. I do not know which path is the right one.

* This next year I want to continue to grow. I want to let go of the timeline I've created for my life.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us" ~joseph campbell

* I want to travel more. Hopefully this year I will be going to Spain, Portugal, and Canada. Related to this goal is another one I have for this year which is to do what scares me. I find that I often say no to things because I am scared. So I want to say yes more often this year.

* I want to let go of the emotions and hurt feelings from my broken friendships. I want to be at a place where I can look back on the good times fondly and wish they well. I want to be done with them entirely and that can't happen until I let go of the emotions attached to them.

Hopefully by accomplishing these goals in 2011 I will create a better year for myself.

If I had taken your last name I would have sounded like a tropical storm

2010-12-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

Dear T,

Today I found the pictures of you I thought I had lost. As I looked down at them I smiled. I no longer hate you. Wow, it is so freeing to say those words. It took me many years to get over what you did. I still don't have any answers but I have no emotional attachment to your memory. I wish you well and I hope that you are thriving. I'm glad you were in my life. If I had never met you I would never have gone to Kansas. Silver lining ;)

Goodbye and good luck.

PS. I'm really sorry about throwing your ring in the river. I wish I had it to give back to you.

Love,

Anna

Be at peace

2010-12-10T01:13:00.000-08:00

I'm struggling with some internal stuff right now. Some of these are old issues I've been struggling with for awhile.

*I'm struggling with feelings of jealousy. There are two people who I feel have done me wrong. They hurt me very badly and they haven't apologized. Yet they are the ones who are getting everything they want. They have what I want. I'm struggling to see why they get everything and I do not. I'm questioning if I am on the right path. Maybe their way is the right way? But their way is everything I have been warned against. I just don't understand.

*I am struggling to let go of my anger towards my old roommate. This is something I have been working on for awhile. Sometimes when I see her I feel such intense rage I can't even speak to her.

*I am struggling with missing someone. I don't allow myself to think of that person (it's not who you think). I'm not sure I'll ever see them again.

*Basically I am struggling with trusting God. I'm getting frustrated. I don't trust that I will be taken care of. I feel like I will never get where I want to go. I feel like everyone is passing me by. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot. I'm not progressing.

Better off as friends

2010-12-05T23:38:00.001-08:00

I am very lucky to have parents who remain on good terms after they divorced. My mom was able to put aside her anger and grief over the reasons for the divorce and stay civil towards my dad. For that she is my hero. We have celebrated every holiday and birthday together as a family. There was never any consideration of split holidays.

Today driving back from visiting my sister for her birthday I realized how rare my situation is. My dad still is the one who drives whenever we go anywhere as a family even though we always take my mom's car. The simple fact that we still do things as a family is unusual. I remember that we took a trip to Washington DC together two months after my parents announced their divorce.

My parents are better off as friends. I'm glad they were married because, that is how I came to exist. One thing I know for sure is that they will always take care of each other. Maybe they will end up being two crazy old people living next door to each other at the nursing home.

Moving on

2010-12-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

The best part of progress is looking back and seeing how far you've come.

I need a camera

2010-11-29T15:45:00.001-08:00

Right now the only camera I have is the one on my iphone. I really want a camera but I don't know what kind to buy. I have no camera knowledge. Does anyone have a suggestion for a good camera that isn't too expensive. To me, too expensive is above $500. I only need a point and shoot. I would love to have a digital with lenses but that is out of my price range right now.

I may be going crazy

2010-11-24T01:10:00.000-08:00

It is 1am and I am halfway done with my Constitutional Law briefs. I started at 9. That means it has taken me 4 hours to write half of the briefs I am supposed to have finished by 11am tomorrow. By that time table I should be finished writing at 5am. I have to be up by 8. Ohhhhhh boy. It's my own fault. I procrastinated so I could get other things done and still relax. Now I have no time to relax. When will I learn?

Updated: Got an A :)

A secret

2010-11-18T01:03:00.000-08:00

I think a lot of people thought I would be far away doing "important things" at this time of my life. They're always surprised to hear how close I live to home. The reason I stay close is because of my grandma. She's 86, has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home. She loves having visitors. We don't have any family out here. It's just me, my mom, my sister, and my dad. Those are the only people who can visit with her. She has done so much for me. I can't move far away and leave her. I have a responsibility to take care of her and to help her. Nothing is more important than making sure the end of her life is the best that I can make it.

...

2010-11-17T10:59:00.001-08:00

I've been doing really well.

(It's easy to be ok when everything is going smoothly.)

Then I hit a bump which jarred me.

I am shaken up and unsure.

I can't find my way.

And you're not here to help me.

I miss my friend.

I'm a little lost right now and it's a little scary. Before when this happened I had one person I wasn't scared to go to for help. One. I trusted him completely and I never was afraid he would judge me- sometimes I felt like he did judge me but I was never afraid to tell him anything. That is the key phrase. I wasn't afraid. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of wonderful and amazing friends but there is always something I hold back for fear of judgement. Maybe this is something I have to learn. Maybe I have to learn how to make myself ok. I just don't want to.

My brain hurts

2010-11-14T18:24:00.001-08:00

I psych myself out a lot. I over think and over analyze everything. I also have a problem with doubting my knowledge and "smarts." I feel like I can never know anything for sure because there is so much to know. For example, I am supposed to be writing a research paper about the causes of the India- Pakistan war of 1947. There are so many! And each of those causes has another smaller cause. Oh, and I also have a problem with procrastinating. This paper is due on Friday and I am just now getting to it. On Sunday. Now some may say 5 days is plenty of time to write a paper. Not for me! I am so overwhelmed with the amount of information I have to take into account. Not to mention the self doubting and the over analyzing. I feel like this is so huge and there is no way I can condense it down to 12-15 pages without blowing off a lot of information. Not to mention my lack of "smarts."

I loathe writing research papers.

2010-11-12T21:18:00.000-08:00

I've been striking out in the dating game lately. The last guy who asked me out ended up in jail. A good friend of mine has done internet dating and it's worked out well for her. I'm thinking about signing up for Match.com. Actually, I started filling out my profile. I just need to get up the courage to push the submit button. Has anyone else tried Internet dating?

Romeo and Juliet by Edwin Mccain

2010-11-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

See love struck Romeo
hit the street on a serenade
and he’s laying everybody low
with a love song that he made
he finds a streetlight
steps out of the shade
says something like
"you and me baby how about it?"
Juliet’s gonna say
"hey it's Romeo
you nearly gimme a heart attack"
he's underneath my window she's singing
"hey la my boyfriend's back"
you shouldn't come around here
singing up to people like that
well anyway
what you gonna do about it?
Juliet,
when we made love you used to cry
you said you love me like
the stars above you’d love me till you died
Well there's a place
for us
and you know the movie song
when you gonna realize
it was just that the time was wrong?

we both came up on different streets
they both were streets of shame
both dirty
both mean
and the dream was just the same
and I dreamed your dream for you
and now your dream is real
how can you look at me as if
I was just another one of your deals?
Oh no you can fall for chains of silver
you can fall for chains of gold
you can fall for pretty strangers
and the promises they hold
you promised me everything you know
you promised me thick and thin
Now you say "oh Romeo
yeah I used to have a scene with him"
Oh Juliet
when we made love you used to cry
used to swear
like the stars above well you’d love me till the day that we died
Well there's a place
for us
you know the movie song
when you gonna realize
it was just that the time was wrong?

I can't do the talk
like they talk on TV
and I can't do a love song
like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything
but I'd do anything for you
Juliet all I can do
is be in love with you
And all I do is miss
you and the way we used to be
all I do is keep the beat
in this rock n roll company
all I do is kiss you
through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet I'd do the stars with you
any time

Oh Juliet
when we made love you used to cry
used to swear like
the stars above well you’d love me till the day that we died
there's a place
for us
you know the movie song
when you gonna realize
it was just that the time was wrong?

This song is just the right mixture of beautiful and bittersweet.

I will by the Beatles

2010-11-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Oh, you know, I will
I will.

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

2010-10-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

There are 4 seasons

2010-10-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

I've been reading Animal, Vegetable Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver for the second time. It is a true account of her familys experiment to eat only what they could produce or procure locally. The book is written over the course of a year. Woven in amongst the story are recipes, meal plans, and information about the food industry. Some of the tales of big business are shocking. This book is very enjoyable and informative. It made me want to run away to the country and live on a farm. I really do think I would enjoy living in the country. I hope the man I marry is up for the challenge.

......

New stuff

2010-10-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

I am so happy. I moved into my own apartment which is close to school. I love the area. I live in a beautifully landscaped apartment complex. It's on the edge of town and there is so much beautiful nature all around me. It's very quiet here and I feel so safe. I haven't had any problems sleeping.

I love being in school. I love my classes. I'm so glad to be challenged intellectually again. I think I will take summer classes this year.

I have to drive a half an hour to and from work four times a day which might be not so great but it is such a beautiful drive and I get to listen to music the whole way. I love listening to music and driving. Especially when it is sunny. Ahhhh I hope this contented feeling lasts. I quite enjoy it.

My last Thursday

2010-09-23T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with emotion today. I've been working as a childcare provider at a domestic violence outreach center for a year and a half. I watch children ages birth-12. Watching the children doesn't really describe what I do. I talk to them, get to know them, help them with homework, play with them, listen to their boy troubles, listen to their family troubles. I feel like they are all my little brothers and sisters. I enjoy them so much. Today was my last day there. I am so sad. They had a party for me. The parents gave me a card they had written expressing their appreciation for what I do. I will treasure that card forever.

When the kids left they all gave me hugs and told me they would miss me. Then we had a giant bear hug. They are all such amazing and resilient children. I know what they have been through and to see they still have so much love for people is amazing. Everyone keeps saying how much I've done for them but the truth is they've done so much more for me. They've taught me how to be patient when I'm exhausted. I am going to miss them so much. I can't imagine not seeing their faces every week. I hope they know how amazing they are and how much I love them.

2010-09-21T20:20:00.001-07:00

I made cloth napkins today! I've sewn maybe 4 times in my life. I can sew by hand just fine but machines intimidate me. It made me feel really accomplished. I was so happy when I finished. My napkins are super awesome gold and green 70's colored. They are going to be fabulous with my pink plates :) Thank you to my great friend Lacy who taught me how to make them and let me use her machine. I can't believe I just discovered my love for sewing and now I'm moving away from her.

Speaking of moving away. Today is my last week at the center. I do childcare 2 days a week for a domestic violence support group. I've been there for a year and a half. I love these kids so much. It kills me to say goodbye to them. I can't imagine not seeing them every week and talking to them about their lives. They are such special people. I hope they know that.

Daily truth

2010-09-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you, Anna, doesn't it? You don't even see it coming. Suddenly and without warning, you're surrounded by the best friends you've ever known. You're waking up in the mornings just "dying" to get into the day. There's a lightness in your step and a gleam in your eye. Your thinking is new, your laughter frequent, and you're drawn to tears whenever you hear happy tales. You're on a roll, so it's not like you're thinking about it, but if you were to think about it, you wouldn't know what's gotten into you, nor would you recall just when. You'd only shake your head whenever you thought of how quickly everything can change...

Just something to remember the next time you don't see something coming.

By the way, you row my oars -
The Universe

via: http://www.tut.com/theclub/

Unplugged

2010-09-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

I deleted my Facebook account today. It was just causing so much turmoil for me. We have too many friends in common. I'm not going to ask my friends to delete him or delete my friends. That wouldn't be fair. This is the way I know I'll never have to look at pictures of the two of them or see a comment he leaves on my friends status. Next up is moving all my pictures from Myspace to my computer and deleting my Myspace. I don't want the memories anymore.

What do I want out of life?

2010-09-16T10:46:00.001-07:00

I want to be challenged. I want to be pushed and stretched and made aware. I never want to stop growing. I want to learn as much as I can and experience as much as I can. I want to to see the world.

I want a love that will last through all eternity. I want to be loved for my flaws and quirks not in spite of them. I want to be a mother and a wife. I want a whole house full of kids. I want to be exhausted at the end of the day of homework, making dinner, finding lost toys and smile at my husband who is equally as tired as I. I want to watch my children grow into productive, hardworking, compassionate people.

I want to continue to live righteously and faithfully and return to my father in heaven.

Jump for joy

2010-09-16T00:05:00.000-07:00

I am so happy. I feel so secure in my future. I know the good stuff is just around the bend. I have some of the most amazing friends in existence. Life is good.

The end

2010-09-07T23:38:00.000-07:00

Glass by Gavin DeGraw

Fool you made the girl fall in love
you said those beautiful things
she thought you spoke things you mean

Caress her skin like it's glass
she hears your voice making plans
and sees your face in her hands

You don't wanna see somebody beg
as you feel her heart surrender
you begin to fall
How do you say that something's through
when it never even started
at least not for you

You breathe her air and you leave
you keep your mind on yourself
and lie the glass on the shelf
After the heavenly speech
your body throws holy heat
the angels sing when our eyes meet

It wasn't a lie but it wasn't true
I just wanted to make you feel good
just wanted you near
I wasn't prepared I wasn't thinking of you
that you could actually love me
it never should have started

She's dreaming back on the past
every opinion agreed
doesn't know what to believe

It must have been for a cause
our lives have so many doors
don't think about him anymore

But it was the kiss, it took me away
it's like he knew that I am fragile
he handled me like glass
and it hurts but it's what I deserve
because I should have been more careful
with the others that I handled
I should have been
I should have been
and knowing this I know
that he'll get his
but I don't want the man to suffer
oh not the way I am
because deep down I know that he's glass too
but it really doesn't matter
until it's happening to you
everybody breaks
everybody breaks
sometimes

*This is the last wallowing post I'll be making on this blog. This song is just so beautiful. It's spot on for me.

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

2010-08-30T23:31:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure how people can quit a job with no notice. I know I would feel guilty knowing I created an unnecessary hardship for my former coworkers.

I got a phone call from my work today. One of our staff of three up and quit 15 minutes before her shift. I went in to cover her shift on what was supposed to be my day off. Now we need to find another person. I've decided to look at this as a positive situation because if I don't I'll probably just be bitter. Now I'm going to be making more money! Woohoo!

It's a good thing I have the internet. How else would I waste my time?

2010-08-25T22:36:00.001-07:00

I figured out why I'm not sleeping. I wake up every morning with a sick feeling. I know something is missing and then I remember what it is. I have to talk myself up every morning. I have to convince myself to be happy. I have to coach myself to not feel heartsick. I don't sleep because I don't want to have to wake up and go through all of that. The last time this happened I had someone who would talk to me until I felt ok to sleep. Now I don't.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of writing about it. I'm so frustrated that someone can affect me this much. I just want to feel better. I'm doing a pretty good job but I have my moments. This is a moment.

Boundaries

2010-08-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

I am a permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time –everything. If I love you, I will protect you from your own insecurity. I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you never actually cultivated in yourself. I will give you the sun and the moon and if they are not available I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more until I am so exhausted and depleted that the only way can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. –Eat, Pray, Love

I am a bit of a contradiction in that I have huge walls up for people I don't know well (which doesn't serve me well when I try to make new friends) and I am a permeable membrane when it comes to people who are important to me. Setting boundaries is something I am no good at when it comes to the people I love. I think that has been the downfall of my past relationships and it is something I need to work on. I tend to be a really giving person. I hate seeing people I love upset or hurt so I try everything in my power to take care of them. I don't want to cross over to the other extreme of not caring because I like that I care so much. I like helping people.

So, how do you set boundaries when all you want to do is give?

Counting sheep keeps me up

2010-08-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

When you have to be at work by 5:30am insomnia is highly annoying. Yesterday I finally went to sleep at 4. You would think I would be exhausted and falling asleep on my feet. Yes I am, except when I start thinking about going to sleep. Right now I am lying in bed wide awake. I went through this 4 years ago after a very painful breakup. I didn't sleep properly for a year and a half. My friend used to talk to me for hours at a time every night for that entire time. He was the one who would lull me to sleep. Well, I don't have that option so lets make lists!

5 things that made me happy today

1. Going to church.

2. Taking a shower mid day

3. Feeling the warm sun.

4. Realizing the kids camp I am working at tomorrow doesn't start until 1pm.

5. A sweet friend who always greets me with a smile and hug.

Books that made a difference to me

1. Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block

2. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

3. The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman

4. A Year in the World by Frances Mayes

5. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

6. The scriptures by God :)

Movies I can watch over and over

1. Serendipity

2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

3. Little Women

4. The Notebook

The best songs ever (aka the ones I can remember right now)

1. Thinking over by Dana Glover

2. I'll be by Edwin McCain or The Goo-Goo Dolls

3. These are the Days by Sugarland

4. Happy Ending by Sugarland

5. Seabreeze by Tyrone Wells

6. Broken Glass by Annie Lennox

7. 32 flavors by Ani DiFranco

8. Criminal by Fiona Apple

9. Silent all these years by Tori Amos...actually the entire cd Little Earthquakes

2 things I wish I could change

1. Feelings

2. My need to control everything

I'm ready for this to go away

2010-08-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.

~Blaine Lee The Power Principle

I rediscovered this quote today. I am trying very hard to put this idea into practice.

Wasted time

2010-08-10T14:43:00.000-07:00

I've lost so much in such a short amount of time. Right now it feels like I'll never recover. I know that I will but it sure doesn't feel like it right now. I need to remember that I sold myself short and settled for what I could get. I don't deserve that. I deserve the world.

2010-08-07T20:47:00.001-07:00

I came across this article on the blog, A Little Bit of Everything, http://allibounds.blogspot.com/
It talks about the onion principle which relates people and their emotional selves to an onion. An onion has many layers...get it :) I found this article really interesting.

http://www.positivepath.net/ideasCJ9.asp

Some people are like a raw egg. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by a stranger, a workmate, a friend, a family member, or by a romantic partner, they start to fall apart.

Some people are like a jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. They have no emotional barriers and they are easily manipulated and used by others.

Some people are like an onion. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer … when, and under what circumstances.

Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.

The Onion Principle

Layer 1 is the outer layer with smooth protective skin. Outside this layer is the world at large including the people we meet, do business with, work with, and with whom we have social contact.

Layer 2 is the first inner layer. This is for friends, pals and others we know and like.

Layer 3 is the next inner layer. This is for close family members, and close friends we know and trust.

Layer 4 is for romantic, trusting friendship (boyfriend/girlfriend)

Layer 5 is for embarking on a loving long-term relationship

Layer 6 is for the children if the onion is a parent

Layer 7 is for a total partnership of love and commitment

Layer 8 is the innermost layer (the place where your "inner child" lives). It is your most personal, private inner emotional space.

It is important to understand that an onion does not practice universal mistrust of others. That’s unhealthy. An onion is simply a discerning person who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to go to the next layer with another person.

Opening up a deep emotional layer to another person prematurely, especially to a person who will not, or cannot respond in kind, is a sure step towards a failed relationship. A problem for some people is that they naively confuse romantic infatuation with real love. This makes them think they can safely share their emotional layer 5 or even their layer 7 when, in reality, they should be only at emotional layer 3 or 4. If they discover that the other person has abused a deep inner emotional layer they have revealed and shared with that other person, the result can be devastating.

The happiest people I have met are the onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner.

Happy onions also know that taking responsibility for looking after their own inner emotional needs at layer 8 is the greatest gift they can give to themselves. Our inner layer needs our continuing care and attention if each of us is to thrive as an emotionally secure person.

I really like this article. I related to the part at the beginning that says some people are like a raw egg, hard outer shell but once someone punctures the shell they start to fall apart. I'm afraid I am a raw egg.

This whole article rang true for me especially right now. I had someone in my inner layer hurt me recently. It stings so much more because I have allowed them in so close to my core. They are an intimate friend so a harsh word hurts so much more than if it was from someone I don't know well. It makes me think that they should be banished to a less vulnerable part of my onion :)

2010-08-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

I watched the movie Blood Diamond today. It was terrible. It wasn't terrible because it was a bad movie. It was terrible because it was true. Thousands of children are forced to be child soldiers. They are kidnapped from their families, terrorized, beaten, pumped full of drugs, and brainwashed. Watching the moment a little boy first felt the effects of hard drugs made me sick.

I love diamonds. I always stop and look at the jewelry in the display cases in the mall. I even own some diamonds. I've dreamed of my engagement ring for years. Now I do not want to wear diamonds unless they are conflict free. There's a quote from the movie I love. "The people back home wouldn't buy a ring if they knew it cost someone else their hand". Now that I know the truth behind the dirty diamond trade I will never wear another piece of diamond jewelry unless I know the stones are not conflict diamonds. I found a site called Brilliant Earth

http://www.brilliantearth.com/ Check it out and see the movie.

When did I begin to not be able to put sentences together?

2010-06-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

I am back at my mom's house. Fortunately it is only temporary (This is not like the last time. This time I mean it!). I rented a storage unit and stuffed all of my non essential stuff in there. My future roommate came down with his son to help me move. It was so nice not to have to do the heavy lifting. I guess that's why God invented boys.

It felt so good to move. I haven't been able to move around a lot for almost two months because of my back. I was so tired and sweaty but I felt alive. I felt my muscles stretch and contract. I was sweating all over the place and it felt so good. I had taken my body and what it does for granted before I injured my back. Now I want to test it. I want to see what else this body of mine can do. I want to be strong. After moving I walked on the treadmill for a half an hour. I feel so good. I'm going to do more walking. Maybe even some running. Future roommate is going to show me how to strength train. I can't wait.

Big sigh

2010-06-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

*I want to get out of this situation with as much grace as possible.

*I know that I am not in the wrong and that she has a guilty conscious.

*I know that I am better off at my moms house temporarily than in this house with a strange guy who I don't feel safe around.

*I will try my best to not talk about this situation with the people I work with.

*I need to get a different job.

*I will never speak to her or him again. She is not repentant for her actions. She doesn't see and will not admit that she is in the wrong at all. I don't need her in my life.

*I am so thankful I have amazing family and friends who will help me.

My roommate started moving in her boyfriend today. She never told me. I'm moving out by this week hopefully.

I re-injured my back again so now I'm stuck in bed....again

2010-06-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31.30

*picture from the blog My Teacups in Peony

This is so far past the level of acceptable

2010-06-06T00:25:00.001-07:00

I am Upset. I found out today through a coworker that my roommate's boyfriend is moving into our apartment on the 16th. I had no idea this was happening. My roommate did not ask me if I was ok with this. She didn't even tell me this was happening. I'm not completely surprise though. He has been practically living here since they started dating. I told her twice I wasn't comfortable with him being here so often and she ignored me both times. I don't know what to do about this most recent development. Can I do anything about it? I'm planning on moving out as soon as I can find a place. Should I just let this go? Can the property management company do anything about this? Should I contact them? I'm so disappointed, hurt, confused, and upset.

Myers-Briggs Personality Test

2010-06-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to take this test for a long time. I found out that I am ISFJ. I am Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. Something that stuck out to me was this "ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles." It is so true! I am so much more comfortable in a supporting role. It feels nice to have that validation. Oh, and I'm apparently often taken for granted. I'm just going to post the results here because it really is a window into my inner world.

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Hearts are tricky

2010-06-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

I would never hurt you. Not even to kiss it better.

I tried so hard after they left to make my heart hard. And now you have undone all my hard work.

I found the above quotes over at a great blog called I Wrote This For You

http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/

They are really sticking with me right now. I keep coming back to read them.

Today is day 3 without coffee. I miss it! I've had to work at 5:30 am the past three days in a row with 4 hours of sleep each night. It's been really difficult to go without my jolt in the morning. I'm very proud of myself though. I have never had this much self control which is evidence to me that I am not doing this by myself.

Floating on a cloud

2010-05-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

As I just got off work a half hour ago and I have to be back at work in 5 and a half hours I will keep this brief.

Today was the perfect day.

Today I accepted the love that was offered. I accepted the greatest gift there is.

I was surrounded by people who love me and who I love dearly.

I am so happy and grateful.

I don't want to go to sleep because when I do this day will be over.

I want to cling to this feeling and remember it for the rest of my life.

I am blessed.

By Rumi

2010-05-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

Be Lost in the Call

Lord, said David, since you do not need us,
why did you create these two worlds?

Reality replied: O prisoner of time,
I was a secret treasure of kindness and generosity,
and I wished this treasure to be known,
so I created a mirror: its shining face, the heart;
its darkened back, the world;
The back would please you if you've never seen the face.

Has anyone ever produced a mirror out of mud and straw?
Yet clean away the mud and straw,
and a mirror might be revealed.

Until the juice ferments a while in the cask,
it isn't wine. If you wish your heart to be bright,
you must do a little work.

My King addressed the soul of my flesh:
You return just as you left.
Where are the traces of my gifts?

We know that alchemy transforms copper into gold.
This Sun doesn't want a crown or robe from God's grace.
He is a hat to a hundred bald men,
a covering for ten who were naked.

Jesus sat humbly on the back of an ass, my child!
How could a zephyr ride an ass?
Spirit, find your way, in seeking lowness like a stream.
Reason, tread the path of selflessness into eternity.

Remember God so much that you are forgotten.
Let the caller and the called disappear;
be lost in the Call.

2010-05-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

Take it.

Take the love that is offered to you,

because being scared isn't a reason not to.

"Nobody ever laid on their deathbed wishing they had less love."

You know what would be awesome?

2010-05-12T22:49:00.001-07:00

*If I could eat muffins, pastry, or cinnamon rolls for breakfast every morning and not gain weight.

*If cars never broke down.

*If I could snap my fingers and solve problems.

*If math was not a college requirement.

*If I wasn't so shy.

*If I won a free gym membership and the gym had a pool.

*If people would practice random acts of kindness every day. A smile can make someones day.

*If my phone hadn't just turned off.

*If I could put my feelings into words. I used to be good at this, I promise!

It's the small things

2010-05-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

It's things I love Monday! I had such a great weekend. The happiness has carried over to make my Monday extra fantastic. I love that every Monday I want to include my friends on the list. Let's just assume my friends are the unsaid 6th thing :)

This Monday I love....

1. Vicodin. Oh how I love thee. I stretched/pinched a nerve in my back on Thursday. The lovely doctor at Urgent Care prescribed me an anti- inflammatory and this wonderful pill. Though it did give me a false sense of health and I'm pretty sure I overdid it this weekend.

2. How things are coming to me without being asked. I keep having questions and they keeping being answered in the most unexpected ways.

3. The first of the month because all the magazines come out! I love days when I get all my magazine subscriptions in the mail. It hasn't happened yet, hmpf. Hey magazine companies! I'm stuck lying in bed so send me my magazines!

4. Tori and Dean. While I was laying in bed today I discovered this show. It was a marathon today. I am so addicted to this show now. I refused to watch it for years. Lets blame it on the drugs.

5. Happy songs. Such as this one. Love.

Books!

2010-05-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

Lauren has a lovely blog over at http://thelittlethingswedo.blogspot.com/

She has a fill in the blanks Friday and I am playing along this week. If you hop on over to her blog you can to. We both agree on #1

1. My favorite book growing up was : The Little House series and the Anne of Green Gables series. Actually any of Lucy Maude Montgomery's books. I loved Avonlea. In fact, I want to name my daughter that.

2. The funniest book I've ever read was: Anything by Laurie Notaro. She is hilarious.

3. The one book that has truly changed my life is: Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block. This book spoke to me on so many levels. It is a book about love, life, the awkwardness of not fitting in but mostly it is about love.

4. If you're looking for a real "tear jerker" you should probably read: Dear John. I have never cried during a book but I sobbed during this one. Ohhhh Where the Red Fern Grows made me cry also.

5. If I could meet any author living or dead I would want to meet: Alice Hoffman. I love her books.

6. The next book on my "to read" list is: A problem from hell: America and the Age of Genocide by Samantha Powell. It's not a happy story but it is fascinating.

7. If I was snowed into remote cabin in the woods and could only choose three books to bring with me I'd bring : Love Walked In by Melissa De Los Santos, The Bible- my style, Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block

2010-05-07T11:46:00.000-07:00

I am stuck in bed trying to recover from whatever I did to my back yesterday. The hardest thing in the world for me to do is to lay around. I feel like such a lump. I have to take it easy today for as long as I can because I have to work 9 hours at work today. My back does feel a bit better so I am crossing my fingers it won't seize up again. I'm also carrying some extra strength pain killers. I am too young for this!

I have been stressing lately because of my to do list. It isn't a small one either. It is filled with some incredibly big things.

1. Find a new apartment in a different city before June 20th.

2. Find a new job in same city so I don't have to commute to my current job. Also, I am hating my current job and I need a change.

3. Tell my parents about some a fantastic decision I have made for myself that they will not like or approve of.

4. Find out how to best help my sister. She is so full of anger/rage and is not dealing with it in a good way. I don't think coming home for the summer will change anything. I don't think my mom is taking this as seriously as she should. My sister almost got evicted. My sister refuses to talk to my dad so I am trying to decide if I need to tell him what is going on. He used to be an anger management counselor so he would be the best person to deal with it. But how do I do that without my sister and mother feeling like I betrayed my sister's trust? Is it worth it? Would it only create more trouble?

Any suggestions would be awesome. I am feeling a little overwhelmed at everything I have to do but at the same time I have a sense of peace. I am working hard and I know that somehow it will all be taken care of. Well everything except #4. I am at a loss with that one.

Things that I love the list edition

2010-05-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

So I didn't post a Things I love Monday list last week. Meh, it's my blog. So here is a list of things that I love.

1. Being busy. I like have structure to my day. There's nothing I dislike more than a day with nothing planned. This week I have really outdone myself. I'm pretty proud that I have managed to fit in time with awesome friends.

2. Learning. I love school though I may not always like homework. There is nothing more exciting to me than picking out classes arranging my schedule and buying new notebooks. Next term I'm taking Constitutional Law, Causes of War, Biology, and French, and I might take one more class. I'm not sure yet. That may be too much for me.

3. Road trips, but not just road trips. I love driving on a sunny day with the windows down and some good music on. I'm going to the beach with a friend on Saturday and I can't wait. I really hope it's sunny.

4. Sleep. I have been sorely lacking sleep this week. There is too much going on in my life that is keeping me up. I wish I had an off button for my brain.

5. Books. I am in the middle of The Poison Wood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. It is really fascinating. I really enjoy her writing style.

Well my dears, I hope your Monday was enjoyable and if not I hope your Tuesday is much better.

To love at all...

2010-04-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling lonely tonight. Today a friend told me I was strong. That's always been my job. I am the strong one.

I'll tell you a secret. I don't feel very strong right now. I want to give in. I want to feel the great things I know I'll feel if I do give in. I want to do what will make me happy in the moment. I don't want to think about the future. I don't want to think about how I will feel later. I just want it. I want someone to lean on when I don't feel like being the strong one.

I'm watching Glee and I really love the songs tonight.

"A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there

But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight"

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. ”

— C.S. Lewis

Even after all this time

The sun never says

to the Earth

"you owe me"

Look what happens

with a love like that.

It lights the whole sky.

~hafiz

"Nothing yields more pleasure and content to the soul than when it finds that which it may love fervently, for to love and live beloved is the soul's paradise, both here and in heaven.
~John Winthrop

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W.B. Yeats

Things I learned the hard way #38: don't live with a coworker

2010-04-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm a fairly private person. I like to keep my personal life separate from work. I started becoming friends with a coworker who also shared my view. So we decided to become roommates. I told her when we first moved in, "Please don't get a boyfriend and have him over all the time." What do you know, two weeks after we moved in together she got a boyfriend who just so happens to be someone we work with. One week after they started dating they started sleeping together and he hasn't left. I have told her twice that I do not want him to be around so much. She made excuses each time and never really did anything about it. I HATE having him at my house all the time. I am never comfortable. I did not sign up to live with a couple. Plus he's a giant loser. I mean, the guy stopped going to school in the 7th grade. Yeah. I know.

Now my roommate is dating someone from work, they only ever hang out with people from work, and they only ever talk about work. I hate it. I can never get away from work! I can't come home and relax because he's there All the time.

Guess where they went on vacation. Vegas. A coworker told me that the boyfriend mentioned how they've thought about getting married in Vegas. $100 bucks says they come back married. I'm not moving out for another 2 months. It's quite possible my head will explode before then.

Things I love Monday

2010-04-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Mondays suck. I think we can all agree on that. It is the start to another work/school week. The memory of the weekend is still with us and when the alarm clock goes off all we want to do is burrow back under the covers. Well at least I do.

I've decided to focus on things that I love every Monday. Hopefully that will make my Mondays better. So without further ado.... today I am loving my friends! I really do have the best friends ever. They sat up with me until 4 or 5 in the morning after my catastrophic (at the time) breakup. They listened to me talk about him and analyze for hours what went wrong. I so owe them.

I've always thought of myself as a girls girl. I never had guy friends growing up. Little did I know that one of my best friends would be a dude. He's the kind of guy who will stay up late with me when I can't sleep even if it means he wont get much sleep, again. He opens doors for me and pretty much never lets me pay when we go out. He is there every week as I explore a new path that he has already taken. He gives me as many hugs as I want and sends them to me over text. He is so brave and strong both physically and mentally. He inspires me with his dedication to whatever he does. He is one of the greatest men I have ever met. I hope he knows how amazing he is.

I've had this one friend, lets call her H, since I was 5. That was almost 19 years ago. Oh boy. The great thing about our relationship is that we've experienced everything together. We know each others history as well as we know our own. We've been through first loves, first losses, the divorce of both sets of our parents, our own battles with depression, a huge court case, college, growing up, first real jobs, first real relationships, realizing we are going to be just like our mothers. We have lived apart for the last 6 years and every time we see each other it's like no time has passed. She is my favorite person to talk about hard subjects with because I know she will be honest. I'm honest with her as well. She is so smart and makes such good choices. She is fiercely independent and I so admire that about her.

My Melo-yellow is the most caring person I know. She is affectionate and loving. I love her hugs. I can always count on her for support in whatever I do. She is my cheerleader and my advice giver. She always tells me to go for it. I love that she finds me hilarious. I love that we can do anything together and have a great time. After a break up I was at work and really sad. We 4 stores away in the same mall. I walked down to where she was working for some comfort. We sat down on the couch and she let me put my head on her shoulder. It was such a small thing but it is still a moment I cherish. I don't think words can do it justice. I am so happy she found the love of her life (He's totally the male version of me).

Rain falls, angry on the tin roof

2010-04-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing how things appear when you most need them?

A chain of events has unfolded recently that has made me think....

Maybe this life that I am in the middle of,

isn't a series of random moments.

Maybe there is a plan

Maybe I've found where I fit.

Now If I could just get the one answer to the question that has been nagging at me for close to a year.

Take it away or give me everything I never knew I wanted.

Evidence of my advanced age

2010-04-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

In my literature class we read a story that told of an ideal marriage. The couple loved each other, had children, were satisfied with their life, and had hobbies and interests they enjoyed until they died. Everyone in my literature class said how boring their life was. I disagree (I am in a 100 level class so most everyone else is 18 or 19 years old. I am 24). I remember being their age and thinking that stability was boring. I remember wanting a passionate, daring, adventurous love. I wanted the bad boy, the one who would keep me guessing. Then, I had a couple of them. I had relationships that were dramatic with screaming matches and drama. We broke up, got back together, broke up and got back together endlessly. I fell head over heels with someone who left me so suddenly it made my head spin. One day we were in love, the next he wouldn't return my phone calls. I had drama.

Now that I am older I want stability. I don't want boring but there is a difference between boring and stable. Having stability in a relationship means knowing you are safe. It means never having to doubt your partner. It means knowing that you are loved and feeling secure that your love will not be rejected. I don't think that is boring. I want a life like the one in the story.

*image found on Slice of Pink. I don't know how to hyper link yet. Apologies.

I want to....

2010-04-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

Be someone who dances/sings/laughs without being self conscious

Know....

Comfort those who are in need

Be there to protect my sister

Stop procrastinating

Go to the beach

Feel returned love

Be free with my smiles

Travel all over the world

Leave my job

Be content with myself and my decisions.

I'm back!

2010-04-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

I finally got a computer! It's a Mac and I love it. I named it Vincent. Ned (my iphone) has some serious competition now.

It's sunny which = happiness

2010-03-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

*I have one more final left until this term is officially over. I'm expecting good results ;)
*One more week until I get a computer! I will finally be able to update this thing somewhere other than the school computer lab. Which means I will start updating again.
*I am dreaming about traveling to Italy. This lovely girls blog started it! http://celesteswanderlust.blogspot.com/
*I'm wanting a camera. I haven't owned one in 3 years.
*I am so excited for this week to hurry up and end because that means......

A road trip to see far away friends.
Cats! (the musical) + dinner at a fabulous restaurant in Portland with the mom and sister
A gluten free baking party with 2 of my friends I've known since I was 5.
A weekend of birthday fun with my best girlfriends.
Twinight!!!
A get together with my pregnant pal and her two adorable kiddos.
Finally meeting the little man who has been hiding in my friends uterus (I don't care what everyone says, a baby is in the UTERUS not the belly) for the past 9 months.

*Something is happening. I can feel it.

In a quote-y mood

2010-03-12T13:00:00.000-08:00

I don't have very many words today. So I'll let other people's word speak for me.

"A girl doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her."

Marilyn Monroe

"Women and girls are one of the world’s greatest untapped resources. Remember the proverb, ‘Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day, teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime?’ Well, if you teach a woman to fish, she’ll feed the whole village."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

You can oppose them only with the strength they think they have taken away.

~Marianne Pearl

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Not put foundations under them.

~Henry David Thoreau

I am...

2010-03-03T11:01:00.000-08:00

Loving
Passionate
Caring
Strong
Protective
Creative
Loyal
True
Generous
Vibrant
Curious
Independent
Ready.....

Have patience

2010-02-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves...
Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Just a little something on the back cover of my Lent devotional.

Sonnet XVII

2010-02-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." Oscar Wilde

"Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you."Kent Nerburn

I quit

2010-02-02T20:39:00.000-08:00

I'm done with being an adult.

I want to go back to the days when I wanted to be a hairdresser. When I thought I was rich because I had a dollar. When a hug from my mom could cure any cut or scrape. When boys were just kids I would chase around the playground. When disappointment was what I felt when the ice cream store was closed. Back when I had plenty of time to play outside, read books, and write.

Actual conversation

2010-01-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

Friend: "I better call my boyfriend so he doesn't freak out and start drinking. Whenever I don't answer or call him back right away he thinks I'm cheating on him and gets drunk. He can't help it."

1. Who in their right mind would want to deal with that? Can you say major emotional issues?
2. He can help it.
3. DRINKING PROBLEM!

I need to meet some fellow strong independent woman who don't settle for losers. I feel like such an oddity. I won't put up with someone who isn't secure in themselves. I am done trying to save men. It is not worth it. I understand why someone would but there comes a time when you have to decide if all the effort is worth it. Do you want to be miserable or happy? Take charge of your life. Start by surrounding yourself with people who lift you up. You are the only person who can make your life into what you want. Rant over.

Crushed and created

2010-01-25T17:08:00.000-08:00

Crushed and Created
By Caitlyn Smith

Looking back on the things that found me
Places I would never choose
The same things that both haunt and heal
My demons and my muse

We are crushed and created
Melted and made
Broken and built up in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me
Leaves me stronger in its wake

And there are times that I've underestimated
Both the grief and goodness found in something new
Where one thing dies, something else can be created
And though it's truth you find, it's innocence you lose

We are crushed and created
Melted and made
Broken and built up in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me
Leaves me stronger in its wake

I'm not the me that I started with
My friends say my eyes are brighter
I'm not the me that I started with
I'm freer, and I'm wiser, and I'm stronger

We are crushed and created
Melted and made
Broken and built up in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me
Leaves me stronger in its wake

Musings.

2010-01-25T16:02:00.000-08:00

The wierdest thoughts pop into my head when I am supposed to be doing something. Case in point, I'm in the middle of Philosophy class when the thought pops into my head. "I wonder what other peoples driving forces are?"

Mine is the desire to help people and make the world a better place. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet. The world is pretty big and needs a lot of help. I get overwhelmed with all the possibilities and ways I could HELP THE WORLD.

What if I started small? What if I actively tried to make the lives of the people around me better? What if I just tried to be the best person I could be? I'm sure I'll make mistakes and react with anger more than once. It's the thought that counts right?

and now these three remain...

2010-01-24T23:30:00.000-08:00

I'm on a quest for my faith.

A fairytale

2010-01-20T15:46:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there lived a boy and a girl. They grew up together as the best of friends. Through the years everyone would exclaim "What a beautiful child!" whenever they saw the little girl. But she was not just beautiful. She was gentle, kind, and fair. Everyone wanted to be near her. When she became overwhelmed by all the attention the little boy would chase them all away. He told her "I am your knight. I will always be loyal to you."

The girl smiled at him and he felt brave. To the boy she was the most precious thing in his world. When the yelling would start at his house he would run over to hers. She would rub his back and tell him stories of brave princes. He so wanted to be one of the princes in her stories.

And so they grew up, side by side, until one year when the girl went away to college. The boy wasn't able to go with her so he stayed. The day before she left they met under the tree between their houses. The boy was filled with sadness. He didn't want her to leave. She told him "You've always been my protector. I'm scared to go but I know I have to. You are more precious to me than anyone else."

She gave him a picture. It was of them as children. He had a cape and a sword and she, a tiara. "Goodbye my brave knight. Don't forget me."

He held her tightly to him until she had to leave.

Without the girl, the boy was lost. It was as if the light in his life was gone. He started doing things to make himself forget the girl. He drank, he smoked, he used women's bodies. Nothing helped. He used and was used. He disappointed and was disappointed. He turned into someone he couldn't recognize. He covered the mirrors in his apartment with black sheets. Nothing mattered anymore. She wasn't there.

When the girl came back from school she went to the boy's house. She saw the bottles and the empty cartons. She tried to put her arms around him but he pushed her away.

"You left." Is all we would say to her. She tried to talk to him. To find the boy in the man who stood in front of her with sunken eyes.

"I'm not that boy anymore," the man said. "Get out."

The girl left. She walked down many streets wondering if it was all her fault. When she went back to school everyone remarked on how she had changed. Her hair was dull, her skin spotty. She had once walked the halls smiling and laughing. Now she walked with her head down and would not make eye contact. She started spending all her time at the library. She read fairy tales and children's stories, trying to figure out how to save someone. But there aren't any dragons or evil witches to fight in real life.

One day a call came. It was the boy's mother. He had been out late and crashed his car. "It's bad. Please come." The mother whispered.

The girl drove all night to the hospital. There were tubes everywhere. They had to shave his head for the surgery. He looked like the boy she remembered.

"It's a coma. They don't know when he will wake up."

The girl laid down next to the man, who looked like the little boy, and told him a story. She told him how everyone had always thought she was beautiful but she wasn't. She really was an ordinary girl. He was the one who was beautiful. She wasn't the light in his life. She was only a reflection of his. She told him she loved him. She told him she was sorry. She told him she would do anything. She would fight his dragons. She would kiss him until he awoke. She would break the spell.

When she was finished the girl went to sleep beside the boy. She held him tightly and waited for him to wake up.

*This is a very rough draft. I apologize for any erros.

In 2009 I....

2010-01-11T16:35:00.000-08:00

*Moved out of my mom's house! A temporary situation turned into almost 2 years.

*Got a giant tax rebate for the first time in my life.

*Took a fabulous vacation to San Diego with my roomate.

*Didn't travel to see my family on the East coast for the first time since I was 6 months old.

*Saw Spring Awakening and Wicked when they came to the big city.

*Was in a wedding for two of my favorite people.

*Decided to dip my toe back in the dating pool. More on that in 2010...hopefully ;)

*Applied myself and got excellent grades which lead me too....

*Decide what I want to study and..

*Successfully transfered to a 4 year University!

*Grew closer to an old friend, thanks to a new friend :)

*Lost 30lbs!!!!!!

*Learned how to make bread from scratch. It isn't that hard.

*Went crabbing.

*Realized that I am blessed.

Bring on 2010!